The Sports Kolache

SLAPFEST 3 - LIVE AT THE BUS!!!

2008-08-24T23:27:00.002-05:00

WED, July 9th - MON, July 14th - The Baseball Part of the Trip (Part IV)

2008-07-28T01:36:00.003-05:00

NEW YORK CITY, 7/14
(for a little while, and then North Jersey)

The plan all along had been to try our best to attend the Home Run Derby at Yankee Stadium on the Monday before the All-Star Game. Since this is the last season that the Yankees will play in the old Yankee Stadium, I really did want my kids to try and experience an evening there before it closes down. So on Monday afternoon, we made the trip into the Bronx with two tickets in hand, and needing two more.

We arrived in the Bronx around 4:00PM, exiting onto River Road and getting a good look at the new Yankee Stadium which is right across the street from the current (soon to be old) Yankee Stadium. In talking to my dad, despite his status as a Red Sox fan, he miraculously maintains friendships with many Yankee season ticket holders. Apparently, the new Yankee Stadium will house a baseball experience that is at least five times better than the current baseball experience for Yankees fans because the prices of tickets are literally quintupling. I, for one, completely understand; I mean, how else can you afford to pay set up relievers $6M per year? Seriously, upper deck tickets in the new Yankee Stadium have a face value of $400 apiece! After walking around the Bronx, I am going to make a calculated estimate that approximately 0% of the people living in the neighborhood near the park will be able to afford to go to a game. Thank God for the YES Network, though!

Jumping down off my soap box, I had a number in mind for the other two tickets; if I couldn't acquire them for less than $300 combined, my plan was to flip the two tickets we had for maximum profit margin and then go find some other activities for the evening. As it turned out, not only could we not find tickets for less than $300, we couldn't find any for sale at all! Seeing the dearth of available tickets, I put a 30 minute shot clock on finding tickets before it would become time to flip the two we had and go to Agenda B for the evening. My daughter was mildly fearful of her well being walking around the Bronx, and my sons decided to make up a new game called "Who can high five more homeless people?" So the sooner we resolved the ticket acquisition (or sell off), the better. As it turns out, we sold the two we had to a couple of baseball fans from Virginia, netting enough to pay for our gas and our activities for the evening. Only problem was, we weren't sure what those activities would be. We got back to the car, which miraculously I was able to park on the street while we were hunting down tickets, thus saving me from having to donate a kidney to pay for parking in the Bronx. I pulled out the atlas and noticed that we were a quick jaunt over the George Washington Bridge from North Jersey. It was at this point that I recalled a Youtube video done by Sopranos fixture and good friend of "The Sean and John Show", Joe Gannascoli ("Vito Spatafore" from the Sopranos); the video describes a Sorpanos reality tour. Here it is ...

So in my continued efforts to garner Father of the Year, I thought "What better way to spend the rest of the afternoon than to visit some Sopranos landmarks?" To be clear now, my kids do not watch "The Sopranos" (not until they are at least 12 years old, I say), but they do know who some of the characters are and they've seen the final scene on Youtube because they are big fans of Journey. (Sopranos fans know the Journey/final scene correlation.)

We started with a little trip over to Lyndhurst to take a picture in front of La Cebeles, which is a Spanish restaurant that serves as the home of Vesuvio. On the show, Vesuvio is owned by Tony's boyhood friend Artie Bucco's, and it continually spirals downward in terms of food quality and clientele throughout the arc of the Sopranos series.

Next we jumped over to Satin Dolls on Route 17 in Lodi, which is better known as the Bada Bing to Sopranos fans. This was the one landmark that I did not ask my kids to pose in front of, as there reaches a point in a Sopranos reality tour where you wonder if Child Protection Services would get involved. So I merely told my children that Satin Dolls was a "dance studio" and left it at that. Not exactly a lie, but certainly not the entire truth either.
Once I finished the "How to explain a strip club without really explaining it" obstacle course with my kids, we headed up the Belleville Turnpike in North Arlington to Pizzaland. Anyone who has seen the Sopranos opening credits probably subliminally recognizes the place pictured to the right. It's on for a total of about 2 tenths of a second in the opening montage but the bright green letters and the sheer joy that I experience when seeing the word "pizza" are enough to make it easy to remember.

After scarfing down a quick slice and a Coke at Pizzaland, it was time for the two main events of the impromptu Sopranos reality tour -- Tony's house and Holsten's, which is where the final scene was located. We drove all the way out to North Caldwell which is an absolutely beautiful suburb located out in the hills of North Jersey, and after winding our way down many wooded back roads, we pulled into a cul de sac and found 14 Aspen Drive, and maybe the most recognizable house for a family on TV. At worst case, it is second behind the kick ass duplex monstrosity designed by Mike Brady on "The Brady Bunch". (Thankfully, unlike Mike Brady, Tony Soprano had the foresight to (a) hire someone else to design his house, (b) build a back yard without Astro Turf, and (c) make sure the house had an occupant to bathroom ratio better than 5 to 1.)

Last but not least, it was time to get some dinner at Holsten's in Bloomfield, NJ. Now when I figured out that we would be making this trip over the bridge from New York, I figured that getting dinner at Holsten's would be fun, but potentially a really long wait. I mean, if I lived near the place where they filmed the final scene of the Sorpanos, I'd be eating there every night. I figured there would be a line out the door and we'd have to be patient. Well, apparently, the novelty has worn off for residents of Bloomfield because not only did we walk right in, but we also ate in the exact booth where they filmed the last scene! Yes, the sign in the booth says "This booth reserved for the Soprano Family".

You remember the final scene, right?

Three things that are depicted at Holsten's in the Sorpanos that are different in real life at Holsten's:

(1) The mural in the Sopranos is different than the actual mural currently (and normally) on display at Holsten's. You can see the normal mural in the picture to the left.

(2) The booths don't have the little jukeboxes at them. Those were added to the TV show for obvious reasons. No jukebox, no Journey.

(3) The mysterious guy sitting at the counter in the Members Only jacket, who some theorize killed Tony after going into the bathroom and getting a gun (a theoretical "Godfather" homage), actually walked into the LADIES room. I don't know if that makes it more or less likely that he killed Tony, but it does make it more likely that the seat didn't get put down in the ladies room that night.

And for the record, I ordered a bowl of onion rings for the table like Tony....

HOLSTEN'S - BLOOMFIELD, NJ
FOOD: ONION RINGS
GRADE: "BEST IN THE STATE, FAR AS I'M CONCERNED". SOLID A.

WED, July 9th - MON, July 14th - The Baseball Part of the Trip (Part III)

2008-07-28T00:44:00.001-05:00

NEW YORK CITY, 7/12
(via Philadelphia)
Having finished up all of our business in D.C., we took to the road on Saturday morning to begin heading north. The ultimate destination on this trip had always been the Connecticut shore, and now I was a mere six hours away. The trip from D.C. to the Connecticut shore is surprisingly easy. If you Mapquest it, the directions are basically this:

1. Find I-95
2. Head north on I-95 until you get to the state where liquor stores all close at 8:00 PM.

Our agenda for Saturday consisted of lots of windshield time and two stops -- first, we were going to in the south side of Philadelphia for lunch at the legendary Pat's Steaks; second, we had tickets to the MLB All Star Fan Festival at the Javits Center in Manhattan.

We arrived in Philadelphia right around noontime, and since the Phillies were playing an afternoon game, this means we arrived right in the middle of the lunchtime crush of Philly Fans getting their steak on before the game that day. The temperature hovered somewhere between 95 degrees and "surface of the sun", so cramming roughly 1,000 overweight Philadelphians onto one street corner, all with a common goal of devouring red meat had the air of a cruel joke from the gods. Regardless, the Pendergast family jumped into the cheesesteak fray, happily so.

If you've never been to the south side of Philadelphia, just rent Rocky 1 or Rocky 2, and you'll get a pretty accurate feel. It's the Italian section of Philadelphia and the row houses/apartments are plentiful. Also, in this part of town, you'll find the Italian market, probably most famously displayed in Rocky 2, where Rocky jogs through the market proudly waving and fist pumping to every passerby. Most importantly, you find the three-way street corner of 9th Street, Wharton Avenue and Passyunk Avenue housing Pat's King of Steaks. Worth noting, it's located right across the street from the almost as legendary Geno's Steaks, thereby making each day a Steak War in the Italian section of Philadelphia. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for the sitdown when Pat and Geno sat with the Steak Boss (presumably Rocky's boss Gazzo from Rocky 1) and divided up the steak territory on the south side.

The first challenge in doing business at Pat's is making sure that you order properly. Since the line to eat is usually about 50 or 60 people deep, they have a very efficient method of taking orders that involves insider lingo (i.e. "give me two steaks, no onion, wiz wit', to go") and a shot clock of about 10 seconds to get your order conveyed. Somewhere, the Soup Nazi is nodding with approval. After ordering, you take a walk down to the pick up window passing by another window in front of the actual grill where the delectable mountain of red meat is constantly being refreshed. Seriously, looking at that grill piled high with steak, I felt like Rudy's dad walking into Notre Dame Stadium for the first time. "This is the most beautiful sight these eyes have ever seen." Me, I went with the cheese steak, no onions with provolone (as opposed to cheese whiz, thereby making my sandwich a "wiz wit'out"). Sitting in a crowded Italian section of Philly already gives this meal a minimum of a B+ on atmosphere alone. The food did nothing to detract from the grade.

PAT'S KING OF STEAKS - PHILADELPHIA, PA
FOOD: CHEESE STEAK w/ PROVOLONE (wiz wit'out)
GRADE: A+++

Having successfully escaped the south side of Philly without getting caught in the Pat vs Gino crossfire, and with bellies full of red meat and various forms of processed cheese, we jumped back onto I-95 to head to New York City for the All-Star Game Fan Festival. Originally, we had planned on going to Shea Stadium to see the Mets play the Rockies, but we called an audible and decided against it for a couple of reasons:

(1) The aforementioned temperature.

(2) I've been to Shea Stadium before so it didn't really have "Bucket List" status for me. And my kids ... well, they'll never know the difference. To be honest, crossing Shea Stadium off of your "baseball stadium visited" bucket list is a akin to crossing Toledo off of your "cities visited" bucket list. If it doesn't happen, your quality of life hasn't really been impacted one way or the other.

So instead of sweating like stuck pigs at Shea, we decided to head to Manhattan to the Javits Center for the All-Star Fan Fetsival. If you've never been to this event, it is essentially one of those convention center style events with various booths containing different baseball experiential-type games, such as clocking your fastball on a radar gun, taking batting practice against in a cage, or singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame". Conspicuous by their absence were the booths were you could take fantasy injections of HGH, testify on fantasy Capitol Hill, and date a Mindy McCready lookalike, but I'm hopeful these will be in place next year!

The business plan for an event like this is simple -- sell tickets for $30 a pop for people to come inside and (1) stand in line for an hour to take part in the aforementioned events and (2) spend another $200 on All Star Game gear. It's essentially the Amusement Park Business Plan, where the one-time expense of admission to the event buys you the right to stand in line and spend more money all day. Good times. And when you're doing it amidst thousands of Jeter and A-Rod jerseys ... well, even better times.

The big selling point of the event was the ability to get autographs from some of the legends of baseball, including Rollie Fingers and Fred Lynn. Naturally, by the time we arrived at the event, the legends had left to go get up on the early bird special at Denny's. So we let the kids have one crack at batting practice, had my daughter sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" (available on CD! Yes!), and we hit the road for the Connecticut shore. I'll chalk up the All-Star Fan Fest as a healthy reminder of the age old adage that "Amusement parks suck".

Onward and upward ....

WED, July 9th - MON, July 14th - The Baseball Part of the Trip (Part II)

2008-07-27T21:45:00.003-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C., NATIONALS PARK
Astros vs Nationals, 7/11

At this point in the trip, I was no longer traveling solo. My kids made the flight from Chicago to Pittsburgh on Thursday, and I did what any self-respecting father would do -- I gassed them up on Mountain Dew and hit the road to head to our nation's capital for a couple days of education on our nation's history and, yes, more Astros baseball. We were also joined in Washington, D.C. by the patriarch of the Pendergast Family tree, my dad Paul. Since I don't think you peruse this blog for stories about the Lincoln Memorial or the Smithsonian, I will skip ahead and get right to our Friday evening at the Washington Nationals new ball park -- the ultra creatively named Nationals Park. (How did they come up with that one???)

We arrived at the ball park right around game time. I had a media pass waiting for me, so first order of business was getting tickets for my dad and the Penderkids. I left ticket duty up to my father who is to ticket acquisition what Tiger Woods is to golf. After watching him masterfully work a scalper over for three tickets under face value (the drive), somehow talk his way into the ball park with only three tickets for four people (the chip), and then find five seats 20 rows up behind the third base dugout (the 25 foot putt for eagle), my respect level for the old man was never higher.

As for the ballpark itself, it is the newest one in the big leagues so from a standpoint of comfort, convenience, spacious concourse areas, and a vast amount of food selections, it was exactly what you'd expect. However, it was my trip to Nationals Park that made me realize that we're going to have to start grading these new ballparks on some sort of sliding scale. Since they are all being built as sort of a correction to the sterile, generic, metallic/concrete beasts of the 1960's and 70's (Riverfront, Three Rivers, Veterans Stadium, to name a few), every single one of the new parks grades out from good to excellent on the comfort and aesthetics scale. What would bring the Nationals Park grade down to something in the low B range for me was the overabundance of visual and auditory encouragement to cheer, scream, yell, or "make some noise". It seemed like the jumbotron (extra points for jumbotron in HD, by the way) and the visual screens on the front of the upper deck were constantly telling us to do something, and doing so in a blend of bright color and booming noise that made it all feel like a bad acid trip at a Metallica concert. It came off almost amateurish.

Other notes from the Nationals Park visit:

- I have never caught a foul ball in my life at a game. Not at a minor league game, major league game, little league game, or even a beer league softball game. I left my kids and my dad for a few minutes to go handle some business at the Nationals' media relations desk, and when I came back, my kids were celebrating their grandfather snagging a fly ball off the bat of Nationals CF Willie Harris. When I'm 61 years old, I hope I am snagging foul balls at major league games. And sober, too. That would be good.

- The game itself was a complete waste if you are an Astros fan (which I am, my kids are, and my dad sort of is now after visiting Houston in late June for the Red Sox series). Roy Oswalt (and his 4.56 ERA) started the game and pitched one inning before leaving with a recurrence of this mysterious hip ailment that he has. So that means the game was left in the hands of the Astros bullpen, which is a little like leaving a spelling bee in the hands of Jessica Simpson. Anyway, Chad Paronto came in and gave up three runs in two innings. Then Dave Borkowski came in and did his best impersonation of a golf tee, giving up seven runs including two mammoth home runs.

Dave Borkowski, who as of this typing is no longer with the Astros, is absolutely brutal. Quick actual sports take, I am not nearly as offended by guys like Alex Rodriguez making $28M/yr as I am by guys like Dave Borkowski making $400K/yr. I mean, at least Alex Rodriguez is really good at what he does. At least people pay to see Alex Rodriguez. Dave Borkowski absolutely sucks at his job, he is the absolute worst, a total laughing stock. If he disappeared from the face of the earth, major league baseball wouldn't feel a thing. In short, nobody has ever bought a ticket to see Dave Borkowski, and no one has ever TIVO'd a game because there may be a Borkowski sighting. Yet he will make 10 times what a teacher will make this year. That bothers me. Not A-Rod, or Puma, or even Carlos Lee getting paid big bucks. (Ok, maybe Carlos Lee a little bit...)

- Once Borkowski gave up runs 9 and 10 in the sixth inning and we were firmly in the apocalyptic aftermath of another Astros pitching meltdown, I decided to email my friend Alyson Footer. For those of you who don't live in Houston, Alyson covers the Astros masterfully for MLB.com and is the perfect sounding board during 10-0 blowouts because she will respond with just the right combination of sarcasm, wit, and clarity. Fortunately, in addition to being a baseball guru, she can capably discuss topics like kiss-cam, Billy Joel, and Tom Cruise's epic performance in "Top Gun". Alyson was sitting up in the press box at Nationals Park so we got onto the topic of the ball park itself. We agreed that maybe the Nationals audio/video folks were a bit over the top in presentation, but that the one thing that was a five-star winner was the Dead Presidents race that they do between (I think) the fifth and sixth innings.

They have people in Presidential costumes with huge, oversized heads racing around the perimeter of the ball park, starting in centerfield and ending at home plate. You can see in the picture to the left, the presidents involved are Teddy Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson, Abe Lincoln, and George Washington. This event is very similar to the sausage races at Miller Park in Milwaukee. Truth be told, costumes with oversized heads are never "not funny". They are ALWAYS HILARIOUS. Without exception. Kind of like claymation characters. The fact is dudes made out of clay are always ten times funnier than the exact same dude in flesh and blood. It's a fact. Anyway, the Presidents race is a surefire winner. Alyson and I collectively lamented the fact that we have no "oversized headed costume race" in Houston, and decided that maybe it's time we started a movement to get one. Astros fans deserve it. We briefly debated who the contestants would be, knowing full well that they had to in some way capture the rich tradition of the city of Houston and in particular the ballpark itself. From there, the choice was obvious -- each night, the Astros need to conduct Disgraced Enron Executive Racing. Go get some costumes with oversized heads of Jeffrey Skilling, Andrew Fastow, and Ken Lay and race them around the yard between innings in orange jumpsuits. "Skilling is coming up around the oustide, Fastow is trying to hold him off ... meanwhile Ken Lay is going the WRONG WAY!!!"

- Food wise, at the recommendation of Brian Powell from the uber-blog Awful Announcing, I went to the Ben's Chili Bowl concession stand and went with the Chili Bowl Chili Dog. Ben's is a D.C. institution and their franchise inside the ballpark is their second location, adding to their historic site at 1213 U Street in D.C. As ball park chili dogs go ... hell, as ANY chili dogs go, this one was a beauty. Mustard, onions, chili, oh my ....

BEN'S CHILI BOWL - WASHINGTON, D.C.
FOOD: CHILI DOG
GRADE: a very spicy, hot A

WED, July 9th - MON, July 14th - The Baseball Part of the Trip (Part I)

2008-07-24T22:49:00.004-05:00

PITTSBURGH, PNC PARK
Astros vs Pirates, 7/9
After five days of a road trip agenda that was predominantly centered around barbecue, alcohol, and SEC cities, it was time to inject another facet of Americana into the mix. And really what says "good ol' USA" like the Pirates and the Astros on a random Wednesday night in July? IT's MOEHLER ... IT'S VAN BENSCHOTEN ... LIVE AT PNC PARK!!!!!

I had heard for a couple years now about how awesome PNC Park in Pittsburgh was, mostly from my dad. A couple years ago, he and his wife went on a road trip around the country seeing various ballparks throughout the Midwest and Northeast (I know, the apple doesn't fall from the tree). Miraculously, my dad remains married to this day. Anyway, he gushed about how great PNC Park was, that it was his favorite ball park he saw the entire trip. So I had to see for myself.

Despite the fact that at this time of year my radio show centers more around topics like the chances of Tom Cruise making a "Top Gun" sequel than rabid discussion of the Pirates and Astros battling to see who is the taller midget, the Pittsburgh Pirates were kind enough to provide me with a media pass to the game. As you can see from the picture above (taken from seat 46 in the front row of the PNC press box), the engineers got it right with this yard. Bordering the Allegheny River and with a beautiful view of the highly underrated Pittsburgh skyline, PNC Park is exactly what the baseball gods had in mind when the renaissance of nouveau ball parks started with Camden Yards back in the early 1990's. The only problem as I see it is the fact that the Pirates haven't put a compelling product on the field since Barry Bonds skipped town in 1994. Since then, a combination of a mass exodus of marquee stars (Bobby Bonilla, Doug Drabek, Bonds), poor decision making (Jason Kendall for $10M a year anyone?) and the general financial dysfunction between the haves and have-nots in baseball have left the once proud Pittsburgh franchise a laughing stock. So you have a gorgeous jewel of a ball park with an utterly crappy baseball team. Imagine the producers of the movie "Vacation" deciding to put Amy Winehouse in the Ferrari instead of Christie Brinkley. That's what this was -- a beautiful vehicle with the homeliest of gnarly scum whores driving.

To be fair, this Pirates team has some young players you can get behind, most notably center fielder Nate McLouth, but bad is bad, and this team is ... well, as Charles Barkley would say "they not turbull, but they not verah good." The banners on the wall say it all -- the last time this franchise accomplished anything truly noteworthy was when the Pops Stargell-led "We Are Family" Pirates won a World Series in 1979, coming back from 3-1 down to beat the Baltimore Orioles.

And yet miraculously, the Pirates were able to convince the city to build them maybe the most plush yard in the bigs. As I sat high above the field before the game, I watched each of the 13,000 fans file into this 40,000 seat superstructure (seriously, it was so sparse that the usher to fan ratio allowed for each paying fan to have his/her own personal usher .. or so it seemed). All I could think of was the argument that all of these owners who are/were seeking new ball parks in mid-level to small markets espouse -- that without a new park, they won't have the revenue streams to compete with the big boys. And yet here are the Pirates with the most beautiful yard in the league, and on July 25th they are practically in last place and dumping Xavier Nady (and his .330 batting average) and Damaso Marte for a bunch of New York Yankee farmhands. Same old Pirates, same old baseball. But it is a damn fine yard, a Ferrari to be sure. Too bad the team is Amy Winehouse.

PRESS BOX NOTE: Perhaps my proudest moment as a media member was one that none of you will ever see nor hear. You see, the Pittsburgh press box is glassed in with windows before and after the games. During the games, they open the windows allowing for you to feel like you're at the park but also allowing in a fair amount of insects on warm July nights. Well,
after the game there was a junebug sitting to the left of my seat on the counter at seat 46. Well, perhaps fearing that PETA may actually consider an annoying little flying insect an animal, rather than squash my new press box neighbor, I decided to flick it down the counter away from my personal workspace toward seats 47, 48, 49, and so forth. (NOTE: There was no one sitting to the left of me so it wasn't as though I was depositing a new pet into someone else's area.) Well, I gave the little bugger a mighty flick with my right middle finger and it went in the laptop extension cord hole past seat 50! SWISH!!! You can see the hole in the counter to the left of Seat 50. To give you an idea of the degree of difficulty of this shot, it's like the equivalent of chipping in from about 120 yards, according to my calculations.

I don't know why I am sharing this with you other than to show how it's really the little things in life like flicking a defenseless junebug about 25 feet into a two inch hole that make life worth living. Isn't it?

PITTSBURGH CUISINE NOTE: For those wondering, yes, I did make it out to a Primanti Brothers restaurant while I was in the 'Burgh. If you haven't had a Primanti Brothers sandwich, you are missing out on one of the truly unique sandwich eating experiences. If you're not sure if you've had one, then you haven't. The sandwiches have been a staple in Pittsburgh since the 1930's. There are times where eating establishments or food companies will combine seemingly unrelated food products into one eat-it-simultaneously amalgamation with hopes that they are discovering the eating equivalent of plutonium. Sometimes the results are historically great, like when the dude accidentally plunked his chocolate in the other dude's peanut butter. VOILA! Reese's cups are born! Other times the results give you disastrously sharp stomach pains all day, like McDonald's deciding it would be a good idea to use miniature, maple saturated pancakes as the bread device for a breakfast sandwich. VOILA! The utterly horrific McGriddle is born, complete with complimentary Pepto Bismol.

Primanti's sandwich combination (freshly made cole slaw and french fries cut right in the store, along with your choice of meat and the best bread you will ever sink your teeth into) just works. There's no other way to put it. And like anything this gluttonous and messy, it's always better at around 2 in the morning with a twelver of Iron City beer coursing through your veins.

Me, I went with the roast beef. It's the old reliable, never disappoints. Got the lovely and talented Aubrey to flash the double rods as well. Viva La 'Burgh!!!

PRIMANTI BROTHERS - PITTSBURGH, PA
FOOD: ROAST BEEF SANDWICH (w/ slaw and fries)
GRADE: rock solid A

TUESDAY, JULY 8th (Part II) - Goodbye SEC, Hello West Virginia

2008-07-17T00:11:00.002-05:00

Seeing as we are about to move forward with the northeast leg of my cross country road trip, allow me for a minute to summarize the part of the country through which I had driven up to Tuesday afternoon. To recap, I spent the first five days of my vacation traversing Louisiana, cutting through Mississippi on my way to Alabama, before making a sweet sojourn through Tennessee which begat a beautiful two day ride across Kentucky. Along the way, there were plenty of green mountains, friendly people, fine food, and beautiful women. This was virtually across the board, in the rural areas and in the cities. The college campuses I saw ranged from pleasantly quiet (Southern Miss) to SEC Awesome-riffic (Alabama, Kentucky). I bring this up because people who attended SEC schools -- those who earned their degrees and the remaining 90% who either dropped out, played sports, or didn't attend Vanderbilt -- are very parochial about SEC football and SEC country and how it is different than any other conference. Truth be told, I always rolled my eyes at it a little bit. I mean I know the football is great in the SEC, but good college towns are good college towns, or so I thought. And to some degree, that is the case. Ann Arbor and Austin have every bit the college cache as Tuscaloosa or Knoxville. But there are certain places where the difference between "SEC college town" and, well, "not an SEC college town" can become very pronounced. The trip from Kentucky through West Virginia is one of those places.

The drive through West Virginia itself, if done on the interstates, is nearly identical to driving through most of Tennessee and parts of Kentucky. It's very green, very hilly, and very rural. But get off the interstate in one of the cities with a major college (and in West Virginia, there's really only two -- Huntington which houses Marshall University, and Morgantown which houses criminals), and immediately you can tell that you're not in SEC country anymore.

In SEC country, football stadiums are majestic cathedrals, surrounded by meticulously manicured landscaping, reminding its fans that this is where the best of the best have brought them to a higher place on Saturdays for decades ...

At Marshall, the football stadium is a reminder that Division I football is actually played amidst this cavalcade of generic urban squalor they call a college campus ....

Clearly, one person who hasn't forgotten about Marshall football is Kaye from the Marshall bookstore, who had this to say when I brought up the rivalry with West Virginia ....

When I told her that I would be going through Morgantown later that evening, she warned me not to "look at any of them cross eyed" or else I'd catch a beating, to which I replied "Why not? Won't most of them be looking at me cross eyed?" (Inbred jokes in West Virginia are like the 1st grade questions in "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" They're so easy that you aren't even really proud you nailed it, just relieved.) That said, Kaye got such a big belly laugh out of that burn on WVU, that I probably could have easily made out with her right then and there ... and if she were 30 years younger, I might have done that. Instead, I did the only logical thing ... squelched out her laughter by saying "What the hell are you laughing at lady?? You live in HUNTINGTON!! It's not like NASA is camped out here looking for future scientists ... " That crack on Kaye was not meant to disrespect the entire state of West Virginia, just the uneducated parts of it (or as I like to call it, "the other 99%").

And by the way, if you're wondering what I purchased at the Marshall bookstore, I purchased a Marshall Soccer t-shirt, in protest of former Marshall QB Chad Pennington getting $9M this season from the Jets (assuming they don't cut him) despite being able to barely outthrow my 10 year old daughter.

Just before getting back on the interstate to leave Huntington, I saw this final little piece of constructive brilliance. A Super 8 Motel built high atop some random hill just off the highway, with parking in front of the facility and no guardrail at the edge of the parking spaces. I have no empirical research to back this up, but I am going to put the over/under at 75% (and take the over) on the percentage of people pulling into a Super 8 Motel parking lot in Huntington, WV who have either (a) been drinking, (b) been using drugs, (c) haven't slept in 24 hours, (d) are shitty drivers, or (e) all of the above. I mean, isn't this a Faces of Death scene waiting to happen? That said, it is a pretty kick ass sledding hill in the wintertime if you get a nice snow cushion built up below the cement wall barricade at the bottom. So to review, in the world according to Sean Pendergast -- driving down this hill in an automobile because you were too impaired to properly park your rig, BAD .... sledding down this hill on a small piece of plastic shaped like a saucer with the only thing protecting your head being an old school Pittsburgh Steelers ski cap with a pom pom on top, GOOD. (And yes, I just made fun of West Virginians for being uneducated two paragraphs ago ... so what? You got a problem?)

I continued my journey through the Mountaineer State headed for Morgantown by dinnertime, all the while with the lyrics to "Country Roads" by John Denver ringing in my head. I could hear him singing "Almost heaven ... West Virginia", and I began to think that if this is really almost heaven maybe it's not so bad that I've committed all of these sins. In fact, maybe I should commit more sins, so I pulled over in Charleston, purchased a Playboy magazine (lust), read it at an all you can eat buffet (gluttony), went to a casino (greed), took a nap (sloth), killed a spider (wrath), became jealous of people with hair (envy), put on some cologne (pride) and jumped in the car to head to Morgantown, safe in my assumptions that my activities of the previous two hours (not to mention the previous 39 years) would be enough to keep me out of "almost heaven", let alone heaven itself.

I had spoken with my father just thirty minutes before arriving in Morgantown with his words still ringing in my head -- "Why in the hell are you stopping to spend the night in Morgantown?!?" I originally had not planned to; my rough draft on this leg of the trip had me arriving in Pittsburgh in time to see the Astros and the Pirates play on Tuesday night and Wednesday night. However, as the day wore on it became apparent that my late start combined with my "nooner" with the Mega-Ho in Lexington combined with torrential downpours the whole day were going to keep me from seeing my beloved 'Stros try and stay out of last place in the NL Central, at least on Tuesday. So Morgantown seemed like a proper stop on the tour, especially given the collegiate nature of my previous four stops (Baton Rouge, Tuscaloosa, Nashville, Lexington). I mean, maybe they had a Pac Man Jones/Chris Henry Reality Tour where you could ride around town and see the places they committed all of their felonious acts, narrated by the Morgantown Chief of Police.

So I pulled into Morgantown, and the closer I got to the WVU campus, the more I could see what my dad was talking about. Now keep in mind, my dad spent ten years in athletic administration at the University of Connecticut from 1998 through 2007, so his impressions of Morgantown are largely formulated from experiences where he had whiskey bottles jettisoned his way at WVU v UCONN football and basketball games. All of that said, I was thoroughly unimpressed with Morgantown. The roads around campus are all about ten feet wide and wind agonizingly through some of the most depressing "rurban" decay you will ever see. (NOTE: "Rurban" is my made up word combining "rural" and "urban". It's for areas that are in towns, but just hillbilly enough to where they have a rural feel to them. With demographic awareness like this, I'm sure Obama and McCain are on the edge of their seats to see which of them I will publicly endorse come November.)

Aesthetically, the campus itself was a blah 3.5 on a 1-10 scale, especially on the heels of seeing the great campuses of the SEC. Also, the campus was ultra-hilly, which I know sounds like nitpicking but there is something supremely depressing to me about a campus that has so many hills that walking or biking to class becomes a dreaded chore. I mean let's face it, I'll be the first to admit that walking or biking to class is a dreaded chore on the flattest of campuses (see Dame, Notre), so injecting 45 degree hills into the mix seems almost unfair.

So with nighttime rapidly approaching, I had a decision to make -- do I stay in Morgantown tonight, or do I keep on trucking to Pittsburgh, despite John Denver's contentions that West Virginia has "almost heaven" status? The decision was an easy one. I bolted. It came down to three things:

(1) Realizing that if this place was not good enough for Rich Rodriguez, who went to WVU, to stay then it certainly wasn't good enough for me to stay.

(2) Seeing this guy leaving a meeting for the gifted and talented students at Morgantown High School ...

(3)

The choice was easy. I pressed on, headed for that Pennsylvania state line. Made it to Pittsburgh around 10:00PM. Ironically, the Astros-Pirates game had multiple rain delays and didn't end until nearly 1:30 in the morning. So I got to stay up and watch the Astros blow a lead that they had held for nearly 6 hours. For this, I was bitter. However, the good news is I was not on a canoe in the outback of Appalachia. For this, I was grateful.

And I was going to PNC Park on Wednesday. For this I was grateful, too.

TUESDAY, JULY 8th (Part I) - The Good Kind of HO

2008-07-16T21:03:00.000-05:00

Shortly after forfeiting an hour back to the time zone gods heading east, I arrived in Lexington, KY around 8:00PM Monday night 7/7. I could tell you that the reason I didn't do much in the way of partying in Lexington on Monday night was because school was not in session and without the college scene in full force, Lexington is just another sleepy little city in the middle of God's country. However, truth be told, after a weekend of eating, drinking, ogling, and laughing my way through the SEC, I needed a night of Chick-fil-A and WWE Monday Night Raw in my hotel room. This was not necessarily a bad thing, as I got to see the new WWE Champion C.M. Punk (pictured here at the Wrestlemania press conference in Houston on June 25th; he looks a little like the drunk trail cook in "City Slickers") in his first title defense, I got to eat the grilled chicken salad with extra Honey Dijon dressing which is one of my favorites, and I got to fully experience the Fairfield Inn-Lexington, which has two -- count 'em, TWO -- treadmills and a continental breakfast to die for. All in all, life was pretty good in Lexington.

It only got better on Tuesday as I was able to make my way over to campus and chalk up my digestive experience for this leg of the trip -- a swing by Tolly Ho's, a 24 hour eatery right across the street from one of the bookstores on campus. This little dive (and I mean that in the most flattering way) came highly recommended from one of my listeners, Kerry Guidry. Kerry is a lawyer, so I knew that not only was I about to get a good burger, but there was probably a decent chance that I would slip and fall somewhere in this joint and have a shot at a six figure "pain and suffering" settlement. Bonus! So I parked my car on the street, and walked over to Tolly Ho's, keeping a watchful eye for any potholes on Tolly Ho property into which I might be able to trip and fall.

You can see the awning over the front door in the picture above, and you may even be able to make out the slogan on the front flap. It says "A UK Tradition Since 1971". Do the math, they've been around for about 37 years. How do you stay in business that long in the "greasy spoon" business? Well, the immediate knee jerk answer is "you cook great food", and I suppose that's partially true. But in Kentucky, you also can't get too caught up in modern technology. In other words, when new video games come out, if the ones you already have ain't broke, then don't swap 'em out. I can only assume this is the philosophy of the King Ho at Tolly Ho's because the first thing you notice about this place is it's decided 1984 feel, complete with all of your arcade favorites (multiple pinball machines, Galaga, Centipede, Ms. Pac Man, and yes the original Donkey Kong). I was half expecting Stacy from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" to come out and take my order, and for Damone to be selling Blue Oyster Cult tickets over by Space Invaders. Hell, even the TV in the upper corner of the room was playing "Days of Our Lives" and the character getting major screen time was "Bo" (portrayed in all of his worse-than-porn-acting glory by Peter Reckell), who was one of the main characters back during the Reagan Administration. To bring the 1980's references full circle, it was like I stepped out of a Delorean into the year 1985.

After resisting the temptation to drop about five dollars in Dig Dug, I strolled up to the counter to place my order. Knowing that the specialty of Tolly Ho's is their burger, I asked if there was any burger in particular that I should sample. The shapely tomcat behind the counter told me that I should choose between (from smallest to largest) the Tolly-Ho, the Super-Ho, and the Mega-Ho. (Basically, the difference between each was that with each level of Ho you went up, another 1/4 lb beef patty got added. There's a metaphor for something in there.) So in honor of most of my formal dates in college (if one of you is reading this, I don't mean you, I mean the other skanks), I went with the Mega-Ho. Three all beef patties of artery clogging goodness, topped with three slices of cheese, ketchup, mayo, mustard, lettuce, onions, tomato. Total fat grams, who cares? I'm on vacation.

I texted Kerry to let him know of my whereabouts and that I went with the Mega-Ho as my choice. He replied in about 30 seconds with a long soliloquy on how he and his buddies always ate there when they were drunk at three in the morning, and finished off the text message with "God, I miss the Ho." Indeed, Kerry. Don't we all ....

Kerry also told me to be sure to convey to the cashier that I am a "virgin ho", which I happily did even if that's the biggest lie this side of Roger telling us Andy misremembered. Well, apparently the phrase "virgin ho" has nothing to do with my sketchy intimacy track record, instead it is a moniker for those who are experiencing Tolly Ho's culinary delights for the first time. What did my status as "virgin ho" net me? Well, when it came time for me to pick up my order from the counter, the announcement that my burger was ready was adjoined with a spirited proclamation from the cashier as to my maiden voyage status into the world of ho-ism. The only thing missing was Jim Ross proclaiming that "GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY BUSINESS IS BY GOD ABOUT TO PICK UP!!"

After sheepishly waving at the other five patrons in the Ho (whose reactions ranged from indifferent to nonplussed) as if I were receiving an Academy Award, I took my tray back to my seat and dove into the Mega-Ho ... not unlike the Christmas Formal at Notre Dame back in 1989. Of course, my dates then never looked this beautiful ....

The key with any Mega-Ho (the burger or otherwise) is toasting the buns. The difference in taste when you have a Mega-Ho whose buns are toasted is palatable, noticeable, and quite frankly, a gift from the heavens. I will never, ever have a Mega-Ho with soft, squishy, uncooked buns. Ever.

You might think that it took me a while to down that tower of cholesterol you see to the left of this text. As Red in "The Shawshank Redemption" might say, I wish I could tell you that Sean fought the good fight, and that the Mega-Ho let him be. I wish I could tell you he didn't drop ten bucks into Donkey Kong and Q-bert. I wish I could tell you that - but Tolly Ho's ain't no fairy tale world.

TOLLY HO'S - LEXINGTON, KY
FOOD: THE MEGA-HO BURGER
GRADE: A+++

MONDAY, JULY 7th - Meeting Youtube's Chosen One

2008-07-14T23:25:00.001-05:00

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I know I am a few days behind on the vacation updates. That was bound to happen when (a) my kids arrived on the scene in Pittsburgh and (b) I became stuck at the Connecticut shore with an internet connection whose speed falls somewhere between "GLACIAL" and "CARLOS LEE". Consider these last few days the equivalent of when Mission Control wouldn't hear from Apollo 13 for a few days while they were orbiting the back side of the moon. I disappeared while orbiting Old Lyme, CT, but now I'm back. My goal is to be all caught up in the next couple days. Enjoy the ride.)

It was with a hangover-induced haze that I left Nashville on Monday morning, wondering how I could possibly top a weekend which included a tour of a distillery, a cheeseburger called "The Gamble", and thought-provoking conversation with the drummer for an 80's hair band. Normally the task of topping that weekend would be impossible. But I was heading to Russellville, KY to meet the Youtube Legend (yes, I capitalized the word "Legend"), Kige Ramsey.

Kige Ramsey. If you don't know anything about Kige, click here for a pretty good Cliffs Notes synopsis of his work on Youtube. He is a third year student at Western Kentucky (although he says he may be taking this semester off), a video generating machine, and an internet sensation (see Hall of Fame nomination, Deadspin).

He doesn't shy away from any topics, whether it's Nicole Richie's "anorexic" ....

or a public service announcement on how to safely deploy bottle rockets.

He doesn't shy away from the spotlight, he embraces it.

THE MEETING

"Every once in a while, a person comes along who defies the odds, who defies logic and fulfills an incredible dream."

These were words actually uttered by the mayor of Philadelphia in Rocky III before presenting the now famous statue of Rocky Balboa with his hands raised over his head at the top of the steps of the Art Museum in Philadelphia.

I would argue that a similar ceremony could easily be held in Russellville in front of Roy's Bar-b-que emceed by the mayor of Russellville speaking about Kige with a statue of Kige wrapped in a Kentucky Wildcats banner. (I am assuming that there is no Russellville Art Museum, otherwise they could hold the ceremony there. I am assuming there is a mayor of Russellville.)

It was at Roy's Bar-B-Que that I finally met the near Deadspin Hall of Famer for lunch before making our way over to Youtube Sports World Headquarters for an afternoon of spirited discussion regarding the future of the broadcasting industry. I am firmly of the opinion that you know you're at an establishment that's serious about its craft when they decide to abbreviate syllables (or sometimes entire words) by using one letter as a replacement. Toys-R-Us .... Stop N Go ... In N Out Burger ... Roy's Bar-B-Que. It's almost as if they've built up so much street cred they're saying "Yeah, we know the whole syllable is actually "be". But we're gonna stick it to THE MAN! Just the letter B and that's all you get!! F-YOU!!!" Who am I to argue? As long as the food is good, they can spell it in Japanese for all I care.

And oh yes, the food was good. I got a pulled pork sandwich where they actually used cornbread as the bread for the sandwich, making it the second most fattening bread for a sandwich behind the Double Bypass Burger at the Vortex Diner in Atlanta! (Yes, those are grilled cheese sandwiches...) It was awesome. The place takes its Kentucky hoops seriously, too, as the wall pictured here is just one of about ten walls covered in UK memorabilia.

I met Kige and his dad, Butch, there for lunch around 1:00PM on Monday. Perhaps thinking that being the "dude who does those Youtube videos at Walmart" would establish some modicum of local celebrity for Kige, I expected many of the Russellvillians to come by our table and pay respects to him as if he were Vito Corleone on his daughter's wedding day. ("Don Ramsey, I am honored and grateful that you are eating barbecue in our home on the day you are recording videos about boating safety and the NBA Draft. And may your first child be a masculine child...") But alas and ironically, Kige's fame appears to have far greater traction around the country than it does in his very own home town as we ate and conversed uninterrupted for over an hour. I will chalk this up to the strong possibility that Kige is the only resident in Russellville with access to the internet, and therefore the rest of the town has not yet seen his videos. It's the only plausible explanation.

THE TOUR

After getting a stroll around the restaurant to gaze at the walls and get my education on all things Kentucky hoops, we zipped up the bypass road to the Youtube Sports World Headquarters, or as Kige's parents like to call it "our house". I was pretty honored to be the second sports media personality to get the tour of these world class facilities. (Deadspin Associate Editor Clay Travis has the good fortune of being the answer to the trivia question "Who was the first?" See Kige's interview with Clay here and here.) It was at HQ that I completed the Ramsey parental exacta and met Kige's mother, Rhonda. Kige's mom is a college basketball freak, and when I found out that she hates Duke, we became total BFF. (That's Best Friends Forever, for those of you who don't text message.)

The studio where Kige films a majority of his videos is called the "Raymond Ramsey Studio", named after his dad (who goes by "Butch" but is named "Raymond"). The RR Studio may or may not be a converted broom closet. The room is a whole lot smaller in actuality than it appears in the Kige videos, which is ironic because at 6'5" Kige is a lot bigger in actuality than he appears in the videos. Big is small, small is big ... it's like Casa de Ramsey is some sort of funhouse at the Jersey shore.

With its trademarked wood paneling, the RR Studio has a definitive 1973 feel -- warm, yet trippy. Truth be told, Kige's parents both indicated they would like to do away with the paneling and bring that room into the 21st century, but Kige fears a backlash among his viewers, many of whom have commented on how much they enjoy the wood paneling. At one point, legend has it that Kige threw himself in front of a wrecking ball to keep the wood paneling intact. That's how much he loves all of you.

Kige has basically imposed the will of Youtube Sports on his parents and their home, as his bedroom is no longer a "bedroom". It's the "production room". The living room is now the "viewing room". The kitchen is the "green room" (Indeed, the kitchen is where Rhonda gave me a bottled water and applied my makeup before doing my interview in the Raymond Ramsey Studio.). You get the idea. Kige is a force of nature that can only be stopped by his parents decorative choices and Youtube limiting the number of uploads a user can have.

While Kige formulated his interview questions for me, I chatted with his parents and his uncle Steve about sports, the South, my brief radio career and life in general. I will say that you will not meet nicer people than the Ramseys -- genuinely warm people who were very interested in my trip and my story. Kige's dad is battling cancer right now and the day we got together he was doing well; he was in between treatment weeks. Certainly, keep him and Kige's whole family in your thoughts and prayers.

THE INTERVIEW

Before departing for Lexington, I was finally able to cross off "interview with Kige Ramsey at Youtube Sports HQ" from my bucket list. Hell yeah ....

GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!!! THAT'S .....

2008-07-11T09:04:00.000-05:00

.... THE PENDERKIDS THEME MUSIC!!!!

More blog posts coming later tonight...

SUNDAY, JULY 6th (Part VI) - Music City Miracle

2008-07-09T23:33:00.003-05:00

When you hit the road on a vacation like this by yourself, it's good to have a few stops along the way where you know a friendly face. I say it's even better when the friendly face is a good looking woman. And when that good looking woman has good looking friends, well it's damn near perfection. Oh wait, AND they all like to party? Well, looks like Nirvana has been achieved. It is with this preface that we arrive at the Nashville leg of my trip.

Fresh off my unplanned afternoon with sobriety in Lynchburg, "NashVegas" was the perfect stop to remind myself of what it was like to bat my liver around like an old tennis ball. Fortunately, Heather Venesile, a good friend and a former co-worker of mine in my previous non-radio life (far left in the picture here), lives in the Nashville area and was kind enough to provide me with a chaperone and shelter for the evening. Like me, Heather is someone who decided that life is too short to sell maintenance contracts on telephone systems and decided to chase her dream of becoming a famous jazz singer. Akron, OH was not big enough for both her and LeBron, so she loaded up the truck and headed to Nashville. For a sampling of some of her work, you can click here. Or check out the video below from the BlueBird in Nashville. She can get after it.

So I arrived in Nashville around dinnertime on Sunday. I came into the city on 2nd Avenue just a few blocks away from LP Field, home of the Tennessee Titans. For the first noticeable time on my trip, I really missed having my kids with me; I mean it would've been one of those beautiful father-son moments to be able to tell them "Kids, there's LP Field ... that's where Vince Young barely cracks a 70.0 QB rating every week!" And then they could gaze out the window and act impressed .... "Whooooaaaa ..... coooooool ..... "

I pulled into one of those parking lots where you walk over to the computerized parking attendant machine, put in some money and it spits out a receipt that you leave on the dashboard. That's the new wave of parking lot commerce. All I could think about was all of the poor parking lot attendants that this machine has rendered jobless. I mean sure it's probably less costly for the owner of the lot to run his business by using a receipt-spewing computer to handle the cash, but I miss that personal touch of pulling into the lot and having Ahmed or Gus indifferently grunt at me while I hand them a twenty spot to leave my car in their midst for a few hours. The times they are a-changin'...

With my car parked safely under the watchful eye of Wall-E the parking droid, I walked around the corner to Broadway Street to head over to Rippy's, which is a bar that has some good BBQ and live music. Actually, every bar on Broadway Street has music, and most of it is live. It's like Broadway is one big iPod, with every genre of music represented somewhere on that street. Even those of you who like shitty ten minute dance club beats with the same lyric repeated over and over 150 times can find a home in NashVegas! All inclusive, baby!

I went up to the balcony at Rippy's and was greeted by Heather's friendly face and was pleased to make the acquaintance of her boyfriend/producer, Mike. I wondered what that must be like to date your producer, and decided that I probably would not go ahead and find out for myself any time soon. I mean, my producer Kyle is a good dude and all, but all things being equal, I'll wait until they promote one of our hot female interns to producer before I decide to go down that road.

As Mike, Heather and I split a combo rib/onion ring/wing platter, we gazed across the street at the Sommet Center, which is Nashville's big indoor arena (home of their NHL team and where a lot of big concerts come in). The billboard was flashing with a chronological list of all of the upcoming events, including a Poison/Dokken/Sebastian Bach show coming on Tuesday, July 8. One of us (um, I'm not sure who) made a comment about how that would be a cool show to go to; it may or may not have been me who said it ... I'm just saying. No sooner had that sentiment been expressed when the middle aged fellow next to us at the bar said "I'm playing in that show". I would've called bullshit on him except this dude looked like he played in an 80's hair metal band -- long, scraggly, blonde hair ... laid back, glazed look in his eyes ... I mean, he seemed legit.

He introduced himself as "Jeff Martin, the drummer for Dokken". Now if this were 1986, I'd have happily believed him, bought him a drink, and begin to scramble to remember one Dokken song so I could converse with him for more than 30 seconds. However, in 2008, I'm older, wiser, and more jaded. I did what any self-respecting 30-something male would do -- I pulled out my blackberry and said "Hold on, dude. I need to look you up on Wikipedia." So I did just that, and I have to admit I was hoping against hope that he was legit. Because let's face it, sitting and drinking whiskey with the drummer from Dokken makes for a much better story than sitting next to some dude pretending he was from Dokken. Well, much to my glee, Jeff Martin was legit ... unless it was a lookalike posing as Jeff Martin, but I don't think that's the case. That would be like someone posing as Wesley Wright. "Who?", you're asking (if you're not an Astros fan). "Exactly", I reply.

I was giddy. I mean, when my brother Kevin and I would crack on hair metal bands back in the day and we had to come up with a random one to punctuate our jokes, we always used Dokken as our go-to random metal band. I can't name one of their songs, but I can now name one of their band members! JEFF FREAKING MARTIN!! HELL YEAH!!

So for the next two hours, we proceeded to get ripped with Jeff. The drinks and the Bret Michaels stories were flowing freely, to the point where Jeff had almost convinced our bartender, the lovely Merritt (pictured to the left giving double rods) to cancel her vacation plans which were slated to start on Monday so that she could come to the show on Tuesday and meet Bret Michaels. I don't know if she ever did end up canceling her vacation, but the big board had "YES" as a solid -150 when we left later that night. Jeff was quick to want to take pictures of Merritt because apparently Bret Michaels has some sort of finder's fee that he passes along to other band/tour members who are able to bring in the most, uh, talented "fans". And we're not talking some Michael Scott finder's fee like Chili's coupons either. We're talking legit four figure payouts. I started thinking that if those drones in the Lottery Oasis at the state line were smart, they'd stop buying 50 scratch-n-wins and head to Nashville to try and find Bret Michaels a few pieces of ass. I think the odds and the payouts might be better.

It was time to wrap things up at Rippy's so we said our good byes to Jeff. He asked me if I needed tickets to the show on Tuesday, and I responded casually with "Nah, I gotta head out of here tomorrow to go do some videos in Russellville, Kentucky with Kige Ramsey." Probably not completely familiar with Kige's work, Jeff nodded his head and in a tone of voice that would indicate he was somewhat impressed said, "Sweeeet". I nodded my head and said "Yeah, it's cool man", acting like I was getting ready to film the lead role in the next Ironman movie ... when in fact, I was getting ready to film two three minute videos in my man Kige's wood panel studio at his parent's house. That's how I roll.

The rest of the night was gravy. Heather, myself, and her lovely friends Anne and Whitney (pictured at the top of this post with Heather flashing double rods) consumed many drinks and endured many crappy ten minute dance mixes at another bar down the street whose name escapes me. The music there was mind numbingly brutal, loud, and repetitive. Now if they had played some Dokken .... now that would've been totally sweet.

TENNESSEE LOTTERY UPDATE

2008-07-09T23:07:00.000-05:00

Well, looks like I'll have to come home from vacation next week as planned. My lottery dreams were dashed tonight. That sucks, I really wanted to cash that $20M check and then tell John Granato what I really think of him. Dammit.

For those scoring at home, the winning numbers were 5-7-31-49-53 and Powerball was 14.

Now if you remember, I played the Houston special which was 5 (Bagwell), 7 (Biggio), 17 (Puma), 22 (Clyde), 45 (Rudy T) and Powerball was 34 (Hakeen-Earl-Ryan trifecta).

So if you're keeping track, the only Houston icons that came through in the clutch for me were Bagwell and Biggio, which is ironic on so many levels (Signed, the 1998 MLB Playoffs). Well, you know, when the Tennessee lottery beats you, you just have to tip your cap and come back and spend a dollar on this Saturday's drawing.

Hard to get too pissed about losing the Tennessee lottery. I'm pretty sure the owner of this lovely Tennessee spread didn't win either. I feel a little better about myself.

SUNDAY, JULY 6th (Part V) - Jack Daniel's if you pleeeaaase ....

2008-07-09T10:06:00.005-05:00

"Jack Daniel's if you please .... knock me to my knees ..."

-- DAVID ALLEN COE

I'm going to say up front, I am generally not a whiskey drinker. Or a liquor drinker at all. I'll rock the occasional gin and tonic, and if my boy Malik puts a bull blaster in front of me I won't say no, but for the most part I am straight beer drinker when it comes to my alcoholic preferences. So I was only mildly giddy to visit the Jack Daniel's distillery in Lynchburg, TN, as opposed to being overly giddy for the ribs at Dreamland BBQ and earth-shakingly giddy for the upcoming Primanti's sandwich in Pittsburgh. I have to say that I should have ratcheted up my giddiness for this stop on my journey because the Jack Daniel's distillery is a must see if you're ever in the Lynchburg area. And we all know what a high traffic area the southern part of Tennessee is for vacation goers. "DAD, that summer we went to Chattanooga was the BEST! Can we go again? PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE???!?!?!"

The tour itself was perfect -- informative, quick and not too much walking. We had a tour guide named William who I believe has been working at the distillery since his honorable discharge from the Confederate Army in 1862. William had one of those Tennessee accents where he could go on tour just saying the word "whiskey" over and over again for two hours and he would sell out arenas all over the world.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT -- If you are planning on going on the Jack distillery tour, this is the NUMBER ONE THING you need to know ... Lynchburg is in a dry county!! So if you have designs on getting wasted during the tour or after the tour at the visitor center, you can table those plans. They're allowed to sell you ONE commemorative item with Jack Daniel's whiskey in it at the gift store, that's it ... except on Sundays when they can't sell you anything with alcohol in it anywhere in the state. So naturally I was there on Sunday ... getting a tour of a distillery full of whiskey ... the best whiskey in the world ... and I couldn't have a sip. I would imagine this is what it would feel like to show up at one of those all-nude, hedonism cruises and find out that it's all dudes on the ship. Absolutely, positively shameful.

While the process is fascinating, I won't crush all of you with the whole "how they make Jack Daniel's whiskey" details. I don't think that's why you're reading this blog, and to be honest I'd butcher it somewhere along the way. Besides that's what Wikipedia is for. I thought instead I'd just dazzle you with a few little Jack factoids that I committed to memory. In fact, I am going to coin them as Jacktoids because that is something that a zany radio host would do (cue some Mr. Zonko whacky sounds like a spring coiling and a bike horn honking):

SEAN'S JACKTOIDS

A little background on the man that was Jack Daniel. First off, he was only like 5' 2" and considered to be somewhat of a prodigy business-wise, as he rose to prominence in his teenage years. He rapidly became a savior for the entire Lynchburg area as the distillery pretty much employs everyone who lives in that sleepy little town. He liked to wear big hats and coats with tails ... and the more I type this the more I think that Jack Daniel was basically whiskey's answer to Willy Wonka ... which I guess would make all of the inhabitants of Lynchburg the Oompa Loompas. A bunch of redneck, Tennessee, non-midget Oompa Loompas ....

"Oompa Loompa, doompity doo
I've got another bottle for you
Oompa loompa doompita dee
If you are wise, you'll drink a fifth of J.D."

Like Wonka, Jack never took a bride or had any offspring. Unlike Wonka, it does not appear that Jack had an affinity for luring nine year old boys to the distillery with golden tickets. I am going to assume that Jack got a lot of quality late 1800's ass. I am assuming this, because frankly I don't want to think that the inventor of one of the most manly drinks in the world was home at night doing the 1860's equivalent of watching "Sex and the City" and drinking appletini's. Let's not even go there! Jack Daniel's banged who he wanted, when he wanted, and that's that! You understand me?!? I don't wanna hear nuthin' else!

As for the whiskey itself, what makes Jack Daniel's so special even to this day is the fact that they drain the whiskey one drop at a time into a big barrel of charcoal before barreling it. Tourmaster William said that this is "what makes Jack Daniel's whiskey the only true Tennessee whiskey". And yes, my nether regions tingled when he said "whiskey" twice in four seconds. The charcoal thing seems strange, but we all know that creative geniuses have their own methods for creating their masterpieces. I suppose Jack's charcoal thing is like Wonka deciding that it's a good idea to throw sweatpants and soccer cleats into a vat of some liquid candy concoction.

You know what? Screw it ... all of these Jack-Wonka comparisons. We need to just TALE OF THE TAPE this thing. So here goes:

JACK DANIEL vs WILLY WONKA - TALE OF THE TAPE

Jack Daniel
Hometown: Lynchburg, TN
Ht: 5'2", Wt: 135 Lbs
vs
Willy Wonka
Hometown: Somewhere with British accents, possibly Great Britain
Ht: 5'8", Wt: 155 Lbs

BUSINESS INTERESTS

JD: Owned the distillery of one of the finest alcoholic beverages in the world, Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey, during the late 1800's and early 1900's. He was a pioneer in the distilling and alcohol distribution business.

WW: Owned a candy factory that doubled as a torture chamber for insolent little kids. We assume he was a pioneer in the candy industry because Grandpa Joe said he was and we respect the opinion of old people, especially those old people who go by the first name "Grandpa".

ADVANTAGE: Jack Daniel

LOVE LIFE

JD: Jack Daniel never married or produced offspring. Because he manufactured whiskey, I'm going to assume that he was single because he enjoyed threesomes with hot models, staying out until all hours of the night, and he didn't want to split up his fortune with some bee-yatch.

WW: Willy Wonka never married or produced offspring. Because he lured little kids to his factory with golden tickets offering them a lifetime supply of candy, I'm assuming that he was single because he enjoyed molesting young children.

ADVANTAGE: Jack Daniel

PHILANTHROPIC TENDENCIES

JD: Jack Daniel basically ensured that an entire town would have a stable economy centered around local employment and manufacturing a tangible product. Without the Jack Daniel's distillery, Lynchburg would basically be Appalachia West.

WW: Willy Wonka emancipated an entire country of Oompa Loompas from the oppressive government (and "vermicious knids") in their native Loompaland. Upon bringing them stateside, he dressed them up like two year olds, and gave them jobs doing things like cleaning up geese shit and free style rhyming about spoiled little kids who visited the factory and broke the rules.

ADVANTAGE: Willy Wonka, but only because midgets are involved

GREATEST CONTRIBUTION TO SOCIETY

JD: The invention of the job "whiskey taster". There are actually 90 people employed by Jack Daniel's whose sole job is to taste the barrel-stored whiskey to ensure that it's time to bottle it up and ship it. I would imagine applying for this job in Lynchburg is the equivalent of applying to Harvard in New England. Not only is it a nearly impossible spot to get, but if you are fortunate enough to get accepted, your family brags about you like you just cured cancer.

WW: The Everlasting Gobstopper. While as consumers we appreciate the idea of Wonka giving poor kids a piece of candy that lasts forever, I can't imagine that Wonka's shareholders are all that happy that dude is spending resources creating a product that essentially ensures your target audience no longer has to spend money with you. Not a real good way to grow your revenue numbers. If Wonka were on "The Apprentice", he'd have been fired before the end of the first episode.

ADVANTAGE: Jack Daniel

DEATH

JD: Jack Daniel died from a blood poisoning infection in his toe that spread throughout his body. True story, he hurt the toe by kicking a safe when he got pissed off that it wouldn't open. I have no idea if there's any truth to the rumor that he asked the safe "Do you know who the hell I am?!?"

WW: We actually don't know for sure how Wonka died, but we'll assume vermicious knids were involved in some way. Payback for freeing the Oompa Loompas.

ADVANTAGE: Even

SUCCESSION PLAN

JD: Since he didn't have any offspring, Jack Daniel took his favorite nephew, Lem Motlow, under his wing. Motlow was an accounting whiz with a keen business sense and in 1907, Jack gave him the distillery as a gift. The Jack Daniel's product continued to thrive under Motlow and to this day is one of the premier brand names in the world.

WW: Since he didn't have any offspring, Wonka invited five random children to his factory using golden tickets hidden in his chocolate bars. In an emotional exchange aboard an elevator levitating high above the city, Wonka decided to give the factory to 10 year old Charlie Bucket, whose entire business resume to that point consisted of a paper route. Perhaps being overly generous, Wonka invited Charlie's entire family to join him, including his invalid grandparents who all slept in the same bed and hadn't left the house since the Coolidge Administration.

ADVANTAGE: Jack Daniel

VERDICT: Whiskey is better than candy, rednecks are better than Brits, and Wonka is Jack's bitch. TAKE 'AT, WONKA!!!

SUNDAY, JULY 6th (Part IV) - Tennessee POWER BALL!

2008-07-09T02:34:00.004-05:00

I've crossed over state borders all over the country no fewer than probably 10,000 times. Admittedly, most of the time it was because the alcohol purchasing laws in the state I resided in were considerably more restrictive than the neighboring state. (Thanks for that 8:00 PM closing time on liquor stores, Connecticut. Could you be any lamer?) Anyway, most of the time you'd never know that you just entered another state if there weren't a sign there welcoming you to your new temporary home away from home. (You know like "Welcome to Wisconsin - Birthplace of Jeffrey Dahmer".) I say most of the time you'd never know when you cross state lines because the fact is when you cross the border from Alabama into Tennessee, you know immediately. How do you know? Well, apparently the lottery is like a really big deal in Tennessee because as soon as you cross over into Tennessee there are facilities about ten feet past the state line whose sole purpose is to sell lottery tickets. LOTS of them. Not gas stations that happen to sell lottery tickets (oh sure, there are some of those in Tennessee as well), but buildings where all you do is buy lottery tickets. Who'd have thunk it?

And not just lottery tickets, but pretty much any game of chance involving numbers on paper. Power Ball, Pick 4, every scratch off imaginable in those dispensers where you can roll them out like toiletpaper and the cashier can pull off like 50 off them. I'm pretty sure there may have been guys in the corner rolling dice, and three overweight ladies betting on ants crawling toward the wall. Either that or they were just hungover.

Sidebar - I love the marketing geniuses behind the scratch offs. Ultimately, those games are all the same. You're using the side of a coin to scratch silver paint off of a piece of paper to see if you happen to score a victory in a game where the odds of winning five bucks on a one dollar card is about 1 in 100. But for some reason, when those silver spots are carrots next to a cartoon of a rabbit, it becomes "fun" to play. It's pure genius. I honestly think that if people served their spouse divorce papers with silver scratch offs on it, it would "fun" up the divorce process and make the two soon to be ex spouses much more cordial to each other. "Let's see what is under this silver spot ... scratch, scratch, scratch ... WHOA! SOLE CUSTODY!!! YYYYEESSS!!!!" (Cue "Price is Right" showcase winner music!)

Anyway, back to the LottoDome. Check out this room. It's a bunch of tables where people sit down and map out their lottery strategy, like Belichik preparing for the Super Bowl, as if somehow they can gameplan and control the way the ping pong balls will come out of those little tubes. I looked on the back of one of the entry tickets for Power Ball and the odds of winning it are roughly 1 in 146,000,000. (So naturally the estimated jackpot is $20,000,000, or about 1/7th of 146 million.) I thought those odds seemed pretty steep, but then I considered that half of the homes I'd seen within 15 miles of the Lottery Oasis had more cars on blocks in the front yard than they had in the driveway. I mean, unless the demand for rusted out cars with no wheels skyrockets in the next few months, the odds of these folks making more than 20 THOUSAND dollars next year are far greater than 1 in 146,000,000 so I can see why they'd scrape together all of their nickels and dimes and take a crack at the Power Ball for 1,000 times the payout. It's solid business sense really.

So you have a room full of people cashing in their welfare checks to play lottery games that are decidedly skewed toward the state .... naturally, I had to particpate. You know what they say ... when in Tennessee, do as those below the poverty line do! So I went ahead and bought two Power Ball tickets (drawing on Wednesday night, July 9th!!) Here's what I went with.

TICKET 1:
5 - daughter's soccer jersey number
12 - brother's football number at Notre Dame
20 - 1560 birth date is Aug 20th
22 - my birthday and my twins' birthday is Jan 22nd
34 - number of Charles Barkley, my favorite athlete
POWER BALL - 29 - mom's birthday was Dec 29th

TICKET 2 (I call this one the Houston special):
5 - Bagwell
7 - Biggio
17 - Puma
22 - Clyde
45 - Rudy T
POWER BALL - 34 - can you really go with any other number for the Power Ball on a Houston Special??

If I win, I promise to rent out the Toyota Center and pay Rich Lord whatever it takes to have him agree to sing Barbara Streisand's greatest hits in the round while we all throw urine balloons at him. I mean that. Wish me luck!

SUNDAY, JULY 6th (Part III) - My favorite exit in Alabama

2008-07-09T00:51:00.004-05:00

After picking up two t-shirts (including a nice redneck sleeveless joint for $4.99) and a bathing suit for a grand total of $42 at Academy (the right stuff...the low price...INDEED!), I began the trek north to the great state of Tennessee. Heading north on I-65 toward Huntsville, I passed the exit pictured below:

Naturally curious, I took the exit and found this fellow standing at the stop light at the bottom the ramp rambling to himself. The Warrior lives....in Alabama of all places!

SUNDAY, JULY 6th (Part II) - An Alabama Staple ... THE WIGGLY!

2008-07-08T11:29:00.002-05:00

If you've never lived in or been through the South, you just can't understand the magnitude of the Piggly Wiggly. It's a Southern Institution. So when I rolled up behind a Wiggly truck, naturally I had to take a picture.

I think SEC Guy can do a much better job of capturing the essence of the Wiggly. Here you go ....

SUNDAY, JULY 6th (Part I) - Porn for the SEC GUY

2008-07-08T10:10:00.004-05:00

If you listen to 1560 The Game, you know about SEC Guy. His name is Karol Kenton Kogslotter, and he frequently contributes to our programming on 1560. He is a 60-something family practitioner who lives in Alabama and eats, breathes, sweats and lives all things SEC football, particularly the Alabama Crimson Tide. In SEC Guy's eyes, the sun rises and sets at John Parker Wilson's locker, the WAC and Mountain West don't exist, and Kenny Stabler has been framed by an Auburn police officer on all twelve of his DUI's. So it's only natural that as I drove around the Alabama campus that I would think about SEC Guy and how enthralled he would be by my surroundings. And it's why I entitled this post "Porn for the SEC GUY". I have to believe that he pops in VHS tapes (maybe beta tapes... ok, maybe reel to reel films) of old Joe Willie Namath highlights and gets that "special feeling", kind of like those skeevy pervs when they pull into the parking lot at those 24 hour adult bookstores.

Ironically, one of the first places I passed as I made my way onto campus was a Jimmy John's sandwich shop. Why is this ironic? Well, if you've been following the news out of Tuscaloosa, you know that Jimmy Johns is also the name of an Alabama linebacker who was recently arrested on charges that he was selling cocaine to undercover police officers. To see the actual sandwich shop about a block from the stadium, with an Alabama banner in front of it to boot, was just too perfect. So I had to capture the moment for posterity's sake.

In fact, SEC Guy's most recent effort on the "Sean and John Show" (or as SEC Guy calls it, the Shane and Jacob Show) was his plea for an investigation into the possible framing of Jimmy Johns the linebacker. You can catch this piece of radio brilliance by clicking on the icon below. Trust me, it's worth it.

With the disrespectful-to-the-legacy-of-The-Bear chicanery out of the way, I made my way over to Bryant-Denny Stadium. Now, Lord knows that the gods of college football have given us enough reasons to be the scandals, and the patronizing references to a barely existent "student-athlete" (well, barely existent in many places at least),cynical about the game what with the BCS, but I have to admit it still gives me a tingly sensation in my nether regions when I walk up on a hallowed college football cathedral like Bryant-Denny Stadium. To know that the greats like Jay Barker and Brodie Croyle have slung the rock around that yard, I mean you can almost smell the greatness ... oh wait, that's the bread at Jimmy Johns (mmmm....freeeee smeeelllls .... AGGGGHHHHH ....channeling my inner Homer Simpson). Anyway, it was very cool seeing the stadium, even if it was just the outside.

My next stop was to head to the bookstore and add the University of Alabama to my cadre of tee shirts on this trip. There was only one problem, and it was the same issue that I encountered in Hattiesburg -- apparently, the south has a ban on opening stores with books during the month of July. WTF?!? Did someone pass a law making July Illiteracy Month in the Deep South? C'mon Alabama! I mean, I expect that kind of behavior from Mississippi, but you guys are at least ranked in like the mid-40's in public education (as opposed to, well, 50th like Mississippi). You're better than that. Open a freaking bookstore. Hell, it wasn't just the bookstore. ALL of the Bama gear shops were closed! I'll chalk it up to being a Sunday and assume that there are blue laws in Alabama that I'm not aware of.

So desparately needing a tee shirt, I went to the one place that I knew I could count on ... the one place that has all of your tee shirt needs covered .... 6,000 1560 tee shirts sold .... for all of your sporting goods and outdoor needs ... the right stuff, the low price .... ACADEMY!!! I knew I could count on them!!

On a whim, thinking that perhaps the station is blowing up in Alabama, I asked the lady behind the counter if they had any 1560 tee shirts. When she responded with "1560? Them shirts over there are only 8 bucks! Just grab one of them, save yourself like 10 bucks!!" then I knew that we still had more work to do back in Houston.

We're not quite blowing up in Alabama ... not yet. It's coming though.

So with the Dreamland BBQ ribs still nestled snugly in my digestive tract and rocking my new Alabama tee shirt, I hit the road to head to Music City.

SATURDAY, JULY 5th (Part VI) - Tuscaloosa, AL

2008-07-08T09:01:00.001-05:00

I crossed over the Alabama border, and I was understandably proud. Proud that I was able to cobble Brett Favre's illiterate hometown, a stop in Hattiesburg, and a few billboards into enough material for four blogposts. I mean, if they made blogging an Olympic sport, what would the degree of difficulty be on that? Wouldn't that be like the Triple Lindy of blogging? I'll let you judge for yourself ... what is more difficult? Putting together my recent slew of blog posts on a nothin' happenin' backwater like Mississippi, or this ...

Yeah, I thought so. Screw you, MELLON!!

So when I put my trip out there publicly for our listener base to comment on/contribute to/ridicule, the one eatery that was designated as "can't miss" more than any other was the Dreamland BBQ in Tuscaloosa. So I pulled into Tuscaloosa late afternoon on Saturday, and knowing that I would be hitting the 'Bama campus on Sunday, and also starving from having not eaten in nearly three hours (gasp!), I made consuming those delectable ribs my priority. (That is after checking into the luxurious Fairfield Inn off of Skyland Avenue, complete with continental breakfast!)

I followed Mapquest's directions to the Dreamland, and as I was weaving up hills and along curvy rural backroads I started questioning why we trust any computers ever. (Yes, I'm looking right at you my sweet little laptop ... don't look at me like that ... ) As it turns out, my computer was being truthful; the Dreamland BBQ is off the beaten path, standing by its lonesome at the top of a hill in the middle of one of Tuscaloosa's, um, less affluent neighborhoods.

The first thing I noticed when you walk in is the "hole in the wall" feel to the place, and I don't mean that in a derogatory way. I mean it as the highest compliment. Old school booths, old school counter seats, and walls seemingly papered with autographed pictures of famous people who have consumed their ribs. And here is the best part ... I was the only person there! Total old school feel. I felt like Tony Soprano eating by himself in an empty Vesuvio's. Only replace "Tony" with a starving radio host, replace "mushroom tortellini" with slabs of ribs, and replace New Jersey with ... well, somewhere that most assuredly was not New Jersey.

The beauty in Dreamland was in its simplicity. I have said this many times about In N Out Burger -- there is a reason that they are so good. You go there, and they only do one thing. Hamburgers (well, and fries and shakes, but you get my drift). And they do it better than anyone. (Sorry, Whataburger loyalists.) Well, Dreamland BBQ is like the In N Out Burger of ribs. Their menu has ribs, a couple sides, and that's it. When I sat down and my waitress Faye came over to take my order, there was no indecisiveness on my part. There didn't need to be. All Faye had to say was "Wanna start off with half a slab?" and all I had to do was grunt, and it was on like Donkey Kong ... assuming Mario were a rib-devouring slob. Faye brought out a plate of white bread, a half slab of mouth watering ribs, and my large coke, and I went to work (Pendergast quirk you may not have been aware of -- when eating dinner, I'd much rather have a soda than a beer. Now when getting hammered, I'd much rather have beer, but for dinner, Coke is my drink of choice.). The sauce was the perfect combination of spicy, sweet and tangy. I think I mopped up every drop with the white bread sponges they gave me. Three plates of ribs later, they rolled me out of there like the Oompa Loompa's rolling out Violet Beauregard after she carelessly defied Wonka's orders to not eat the gum.

I mean look at these pics of the front of the building. When I pulled in, it was still light out. When I left, it was dark and they had to practically kick me out.

Needless to say, everything from the atmosphere to the food to the service equated out to the highest grade on the trip yet. And for good measure, the staff at the Dreamland dropped the double rods. Say "Hello" to Raymond, Faye, Carmen, and Rhonda!

DREAMLAND BBQ - TUSCALOOSA, AL
FOOD: SEVERAL SLABS OF RIBS AND LOAVES OF BREAD
GRADE: A+

SATURDAY, JULY 5th (Part V) - Final Add Mississippi

2008-07-08T00:19:00.001-05:00

I know that when I'm planning a party, and I go through the final checklist, there is no sweeter sound than being able to say "Fireworks? Check. ..... Streakers? Check."

Somewhere at the end of this dirt road in Mississippi, someone is planning a kick ass party.

Best part is, if you look real closely, you can see that this road also is the home of a Baptist Church. I believe it is the second book of Colossians that mentions streakers and fireworks.

Frank the Tank would've loved Mississippi ...

SATURDAY, JULY 5th (Part IV) - Hattiesburg, MS

2008-07-07T23:12:00.001-05:00

As I stated from the outset of this trip, my goals largely center around getting college gear at the college towns I pass through and sampling cuisine in each city. Anything that occurs beyond that such as finding the future ex-Mrs. Pendergast or solving some struggling Kentucky town's budget crisis, I'll consider gravy.

With that in mind, I ventured to Hattiesburg, MS, to pick up some Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles gear. Sure, Southern Miss is not a BCS school, but I felt like I needed to make a statement that even though my alma mater's total revenue from athletics is higher than the GNP of some third world countries, I am all about the little guy. So I ventured to the Southern Miss campus, which on a Saturday in July was kind of like New York City in "I Am Legend". Lots of big buildings, lots of weeds, and no other living, breathing organism within 20 miles. The only thing separating me and Robert Neville were a dog and some pigmentation.

Hopeful that there might be a live person selling Southern Miss t-shirts somewhere on campus, I made my way to the bookstore. There was only one problem -- it was closed.

Honestly, I'm not sure what I was thinking. I mean, we're talking about a state in which literacy is basically optional during the school year, and I'm expecting them to keep a store that sells BOOKS open in the summertime? How brain dead am I? Luckily, I made the mistake of driving the wrong way down a one way street on the Southern Miss campus, forcing a campus police car to pull me over, and therefore giving me exclusive access to the only other living, breathing person on campus so I could ask him where in the hell I might be able to get a Golden Eagles tee shirt. So as I sit here dangerously on the precipice of boring you to tears with this story, I will sum up by saying I was able to secure a nice Southern Miss Under Armor tee shirt at an off campus location.

Everyone knows that the physical toll your body takes from sitting on your ass in a car all day can make you hungry, so it was time to find a Hattiesburg staple to call home for the next hour or so. One of the lovely young ladies at the tee shirt store told me that if I'm in town for one meal that I needed to get a burger at Mugshot's. So far be it from me to eschew the advice of a pretty tee shirt selling, fair haired lass. "TO MUGSHOT'S!!", I shouted and then I gallavanted out of the store like a warrior poet.

My first reaction when I pulled into the Mugshot's parking lot was, from the outside, this would easily be the nicest restaurant in Louisiana. My second reaction was how ironic it was to be eating at a place called Mugshot's in somewhere other than Tuscaloosa. (I later found out that Tuscaloosa also has a Mugshot's, thereby restoring cosmic order to my universe.)

Apparently, burgers are sort of the Mugshot's specialty -- kind of like wings at Buffalo Wild Wings, calzones at Nick's Place, or salmonella at White Castle. (Just kidding, White Castle.) Their signature burger is called, of all things, the "Mugshot". Go figure. It's like three burgers tall, with a couple different buns, and lots of fixings. You can see it in the picture here next to the lovely, doublerods-administering Dixie and Shawna. Knowing that the Dreamland Barbecue in Tuscaloosa was in my future on Saturday night, I decided to go for something a little more compact. I went with the Gamble Burger (one burger, lots of chili, queso, jalapenos, and sour cream). It had the word "gamble" in it, so that sounded about right. I was quite satisfied with my choice. My only complaint would be that it was so lathered in chili, queso, and such that it turned into a fork and knife meal about halfway through, and there's something about eating a burger with utensils that makes me feel like a little less of a man. So major points on the food and it's taste, but slight minus points for making me feel like a foo foo cake boy while eating it.

MUGSHOT'S - HATTIESBURG, MS
FOOD: GAMBLE BURGER
GRADE: A-

SATURDAY, JULY 5th (Part III) - Just outside Kiln, MS

2008-07-07T22:47:00.002-05:00

If you're like me, you (a) have barely enough money to make it to your 40th birthday, and (b) spend roughly 23 hours a day trying to figure out how to become independently wealthy, hopefully without having to try very hard. You rack your brain trying to find something special within your skillset that would yield a product for which people would pay handsomely. Handsomely enough to at least retire before you own a colostomy bag. Handsomely enough to at least make sure your kids college alma mater doesn't contain the word "Community" in it. Your head hurts from concocting business plans in your mind, and maybe even transcribing them on the proverbial cocktail napkin.

And then you drive through Mississippi, see a billboard, and realize that the best business plans sometimes are beautiful in their simplicity, and you lament "Why didn't I think of that?"....

BUSINESS PLAN -- Cheap beer. Cheap tobacco. Without leaving your car.

Bravo.

SATURDAY, JULY 5th (Part II) - Desperately Seeking Favre

2008-07-07T21:16:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure if any of you have heard lately, but there's this guy Brett Favre. Used to play quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. You remember him, right? Number 4? I know it's been a while, he's the dude who threw the crucial pick in overtime of the NFC Championship Game and then a couple months later retired -- wait, sorry .... "retired" ... there, had to put quotes around it ---from the game in a tearful press conference. Coming back to you now? Now I know this sounds crazy, but according to published reports, he is rethinking his decision to walk away. Favre has dismissed those reports as "rumor". Are you sure you haven't heard this? I mean, it has been mentioned on a couple of websites sporadically (and by couple I mean thousands, and by sporadically, I mean every 4 minutes).

Why do I bring up Brett Favre? Well, the second leg of my trip on Saturday took me into the great state of Mississippi. The itinerary I had carved out had me heading up Interstate 59 toward Hattiesburg. However, I took a second to scour the atlas and noticed that I could go a few minutes out of my way and take some back roads to get to Hattiesburg and go right through Kiln, MS -- hometown of BRETT FAVRE! I could put my neophyte journalistic skills to use and try and find out right from the horse's mouth if indeed Brett Favre was coming back! YEEEESSS!

So the audible was called and I took State Road 603 to Kiln (population 2,040). Upon pulling into town, I passed Mojo's Bar and ___LL ... well, I think it's actually supposed to be "GRILL". All that was on the sign was two L's. Check it out....

And then pulled into this gas station. The __T_O. More missing letters.

This gas station was right across the street from the _H___ _I_______ ___ ___H. (To be fair, you can actually make out the letters on this one. Barely.)

I'd like to say that there is an establishment in Kiln that has all of its letters on its sign, but these are the only three buildings I could find in Kiln. So driving through Kiln and trying to ascertain the name of a business was essentially like playing a giant game of hangman. Or perhaps a game of redneck "Wheel of Fortune" (or as they call it in Kiln, "hangman wit' prizes!") I mean, I know that reading will probably not fall into any Mississippian's top 1000 list of leisure time activities, but can you at least appear to make an effort and replace the letters on your signs? If you're not sure which letters are needed to fill out the word "GRILL" just call someone in any of the other 49 states. You know ... those other states that are all ahead of you in public education, Mississippi?

Anyway, I digress. Distraught that I could only find three commercial establishments in Kiln, I decided to pull into the __T_O and see where downtown Kiln was located. I went inside and the young man working behind the counter looked like a miniature version of Eric Devendorf (Syracuse guard, pictured at left), which is ironic because the actual version of Eric Devendorf will probably be the weekday cashier in that gas station sometime in 2011. Working under the assumptions that (a) Brett Favre is the only Kiln native to ever actually escape Kiln and (b) Mini-Devo actually knows his way around his hometown, I asked him how to get to the center of town. He proceeded to tell me that I was already there. Yes, the Mojo's/Citgo/car wash intersection is Kiln's "downtown", which means that there is a one in three chance that town hall meetings are actually held at a self-serve car wash (which is just as plausible as holding them in the gas station or Mojo's Bar & ___LL). I thought about asking Mini-Devo where they hold the town hall meetings in Kiln, but fearful that a discussion of local politics might cause his head to explode, I opted to just say "Ok, so this is all of Kiln pretty much, huh?" Mini-Devo, perhaps slightly embarrassed that this ol' city slicker was disappointed in how little Kiln had to offer, quickly pointed out that the curve in the road I had just come around was "where Brett Favre's dad died from that heart attack he had".

"ALL RIGHT!! Now we're getting somewhere!!", I thought. The aforementioned curve is pictured to the left, and I can only assume that in Kiln this is the equivalent of the north side of Elm Street in Dallas, sans the grassy knoll.

Trying to milk as much information as I could out of Mini-Devo's brief flirt with lucidity, I asked him if Brett Favre's ranch was in Kiln and how to get there. He said that it's not in Kiln but it's "that way", pointing at .. well, pointing at the cigarette rack behind him, but I think in his mind he was pointing due northeast. Ready to venture to #4's home, I asked Mini-Devo for directions. However, when the first fifteen seconds of his instructions did not include one discernable street name but did include two different animals ("take a left by the field of cows and then go right at the dead squirrel"), I decided that it probably wasn't worth it. Instead, I would just go ahead and find the nicest ranch I passed in Kiln, snap a picture, and tell all of you "there you go, that's Brett Favre's ranch".

So .... there you go, that's Brett Favre's ranch ....

In the end, I'm glad I made this side trip to Kiln. It's given me much greater insight into why Brett Favre might be pondering a change of heart regarding retirement, and maybe now I won't be so quick to criticize him. Because the fact of the matter is, unless you feel like washing your car, pumping gas, or playing darts at Mojo's, there ain't shit to do in Kiln. So c'mon back, Brett. I understand.

SATURDAY, JULY 5th - Calling Baton Rouge!

2008-07-06T00:15:00.005-05:00

When you travel as many places as I plan to over the next two weeks, it's inevitable that somewhere along the way I'll meet some random person who knows a random friend of mine, or whose grandfather taught me Strategic Marketing in college, or whose son was beaten up by one of my relatives at Mardi Gras. You know, random "six degrees of Kevin Bacon" type stuff. Well, it only took one day. At the Chimes in Baton Rouge, I was telling my waitress (the lovely and talented Cricket, pictured going dual rods below) about my trip and my New York-area destination when the couple at the next table overheard our conversation. Rather than publicly lambaste them for eavesdropping on my top secret "sweet nothings" with Cricket, I decided to engage them in conversation. Come to find out the husband coached my cousin Mike's son in soccer in upstate New York. Why do you care about this? I don't know. To be honest, after re-reading the story, I'm starting to care less and less about it as well. Damn, sorry about the lead in for this post. You'll never get the last 90 seconds of your life back ... my bad.

Anyway, I did go to the Chimes, which came highly recommended by many LSU alum listeners to the "Sean and John Show". Truth be told, I've been to the Chimes a handful of times before with the mother of my children back in a simpler time and place, back when deciding between gumbo and stuffed mushrooms represented "tough decisions". Feeling nostalgic for said time and place, I decided to jump on the stuffed mushrooms Saturday morning before hitting the road for Mississippi. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I came away disappointed. The mushrooms themselves and the crab meat stuffing were fine, but the cheese on top was problematic, to say the least. When a dish is described as having "melted cheese", I expect the cheese to have a gooey consistency to it. The cheese on the stuffed mushrooms can't even be described as "melted". It was more like a cheesy shell, kind of like the chocolate shell that Dairy Queen puts on a soft serve cone. Like the chef said "screw it" and poured the queso version of the chocolate shell on my stuffed mushrooms. It was like a cheese helmet.

Now, I have certain rules in life and one of them is that if the melted cheese on a dish crunches like a mouthful of Doritos, the grade for said dish cannot be above a C. Of course, back in the aforementioned simpler time and place (around 1994), the stuffed mushrooms were an A- at worst. Perhaps that's a metaphor for something. Or perhaps the chef at the Chimes on Saturday mornings is violently hungover and could give a damn. Whatever.

At least Cricket is not averse to flashing the double rods. You go, girl!!!

THE CHIMES - BATON ROUGE, LA
FOOD: STUFFED MUSHROOMS
GRADE: C-

54 days until college football season....

2008-07-06T00:10:00.002-05:00

.....just sayin'.

FRIDAY, JULY 4 - Lake Charles, LA

2008-07-05T22:38:00.005-05:00

So I decided to take a little vacation ... and here's how it works. Over the next couple weeks, I am driving from Houston up to New England and back. Along the way, my kids will meet up with me, presumably flying into an airport in one of the cities I am visiting, but I wouldn't put it past the three of them to lift an SUV and try to race me to Connecticut. I mean, 10 year olds are really advanced nowadays. Just look at the video games they play. When I was 10, Space Invaders (in all of it's block graphic, horizontal-only movement glory) was the height of video game sophistication; today, my 10 and 9 year old sons earhole me from long distance with a sniper rifle in Call of Duty.

At any rate, my plan is to stop in as many college towns as possible between Houston and New York City, and along the way sample recommended cuisine (thank you again to all of my listeners who emailed in suggestions) and buy a piece of gear from the local university. I'm a little over 24 hours into the trip and already I'm wondering why it took me so long to do a trip like this. There's kind of a cool vibe to hitting the open road with only some semblance of a plan as to where and when you'll be stopping. It's kind of like I'm Dr. David Banner from "The Incredible Hulk" randomly bouncing from town to town. Except that I don't have to hitchhike, since I have a car. And also, I'm not presumed dead like he was, so I don't have to change my name to some variation of "Pendergast" at every stop. (Remember how he would introduce himself each episode to his new pal du jour with some new last name that was close to "Banner" but not quite "Banner"? Like "Bannon" or "Barrett"? That D-Banner was slick, especially for a dude with that much gamma radiation tugging away at his body chemistry.)

Ok, I just totally lost any of you who are below the age of 35, so enough Hulk talk ... I made my first stop of the trip on Friday night (July 4th!!) in Lake Charles, LA. After enduring literally two hours of standstill traffic in Vidor, TX caused by road construction, I was hungry. So taking the recommendation of several listeners, I stopped at a bar called Darrell's which is right down the street from the majestic L'Auberge casino. My goal was simple -- to get up on the shrimp scampi po-boy. Now, if you've attended one of our listener events you know that if there's one area in which 1560 listeners are experts, it's cuisine. So I wasn't really concerned about Darrell's. That said, I knew that this recommendation was a stellar one when I called my brother in law in Baton Rouge (he's a Lake Charles native) to let him know I was gonna be staying with him Friday night and I'd be late because I was stopping at Darrell's, and he responded by hyperventilating the following plea: "Get me a Darrell's Special po-boy with jalapeno mayonnaise to go!!". He had this giddy bounce in his voice that I haven't heard since his bachelor party when he found out that we could bring our own beer into the strip club we went to. Needless to say, I knew the grub was gonna be good.

I pulled into the parking lot, and like most good places in Louisiana, Darrell's doesn't look like much on the outside. But if you've ever eaten in south Louisiana, you're aware of the Dive Corollary which clearly states that the quality of food at any given establishment is inversely proportional to the aesthetic beauty of the domicile in which it is housed. (For the record, the Boiling Point in New Iberia, which may or may not be on wheels, is the benchmark for the Dive Corollary.) So I was optimistic.

Upon entering, the first thing you notice is that whoever owns the place has a real hard-on for the deer species. I mean like badly. We're talking like at some point as a kid, the owner had to have been molested by a deer and is now trying to get back at all deer by gunning them down like Tony Soprano rolling over Uncle Junior's crew in the first season of "The Sopranos". That's all I can figure. There were no fewer than ten dear heads on the walls.

After thanking God that I'm not a deer, I went ahead and ordered the shrimp scampi po-boy. In short, it was awesome. Not your typical shrimp po-boy in that the shrimp was actually sauteed, not fried. So the shrimp was laden in butter ... and not so ironically, butter laden shrimp was by far the healthiest thing about this po-boy, which included three kinds of cheese, mayonnaise (regular, not jalapeno flavored), and was housed by Darrell's homemade po-boy bread which they make in house. The bread clinched the five-star status for this delightful creation.

To top it all off, I was served by the lovely and talented Lindley who was kind enough to give a double rods shout out to the 1560 Secret Society.

So in conclusion, if you're ever in Lake Charles losing money at one of the casinos, be sure to set aside $8.99 for a foot long shrimp po-boy at Darrell's.

And if you're winning money, be sure to buy a foot long shrimp po-boy at Darrell's for everyone in your crew. It's what good friends do.

DARRELL'S - LAKE CHARLES, LA
FOOD: SHRIMP PO-BOY
GRADE: A

GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY...

2008-07-05T21:31:00.000-05:00

....THAT'S THE SPORTS KOLACHE'S THEME MUSIC!!!

After a prolonged absence, I'm getting the blog cranked back up again. I figure since I went on hiatus, the price of gasoline has gone up about another 50 cents a gallon, so maybe if I start blogging again, the oil barons will stop raping all of us. I realize on the surface the two things (my blog and oil prices) would seem to be unrelated, but at $4.29 a gallon for premium, I'll try anything at this point.

As a gift to try and buy my way back into your hearts, I give you this video -- nearly ten minutes of deliciously hilarious interaction between Chrissy Moltisanti and Paulie Walnuts. You don't even need to be a "Sopranos" fan to enjoy this one:

I am two days into my two week cross country vacation, stopping in college towns throughout our great country to sample food, purchase gear, and ogle the local talent. I'll be sharing pictures and thoughts throughout the next couple weeks.

So welcome back. Make yourself at home. Just put the toilet seat down when you're done, that's all I ask.

Top 50 Hottest Female College Populations!

2008-03-27T14:53:00.003-05:00

Maybe one of the greatest links ever, CLICK HERE.

The Big Dance - Final Picks

2008-03-20T10:42:00.004-05:00

I know Erin Andrews has nothing to do with the NCAA Tournament. All of the games are on CBS, so the event has a decidedly unsavory Erin-less feel. That said, it is the greatest two week-plus period in sports all year, and puts a hop in my step that can only be matched by Erin Andrews holding a microphone, hence the picture to the left. (And let's face it, there's never a BAD time to post a picture of the lovely EA.)

All right, now that the EA disclaimer is out of the way, here are my final picks, just under the wire. I know a couple of them fly in the face a little bit when juxtaposed to my "live" seeds below (not much, just a tiny bit). Most notably I'm going with 7 seed Gonzaga over "live" 10 seed Davidson. Just doing a little bit more analysis on it, Gonzaga is so deep and has played such a tough schedule, I just can't go against the law offices of Pendergraft, Pargo and Daye (even if there's a decent chance Josh Heytvelt did 'shrooms before the game).

All right, here goes:

FIRST ROUND WINNERS

EAST REGION
1 North Carolina, 9 Arkansas, 5 Notre Dame, 4 Washington State
6 Oklahoma, 3 Louisville, 7 Butler, 2 Tennessee

MIDWEST REGION
1 Kansas, 9 Kent State, 5 Clemson, 13 Siena
6 USC, 3 Wisconsin, 7 Gonzaga, 2 Georgetown

SOUTH REGION
1 Memphis, 8 Mississippi State, 12 Temple, 4 Pittsburgh
6 Marquette, 3 Stanford, 10 St Mary's, 2 Texas

WEST REGION
1 UCLA, 8 BYU, 12 Western Kentucky, 4 Connecticut
11 Baylor, 3 Xavier, 7 West Virginia, 2 Duke

SECOND ROUND WINNERS

EAST REGION
1 North Carolina, 5 Notre Dame, 3 Louisville, 2 Tennessee
MIDWEST REGION
1 Kansas, 5 Clemson, 6 USC, 2 Georgetown
SOUTH REGION
1 Memphis, 4 Pittsburgh, 6 Marquette, 2 Texas
WEST REGION
1 UCLA, 4 Connecticut, 11 Baylor, 7 West Virginia

SWEET SIXTEEN WINNERS

EAST REGION
1 North Carolina, 3 Louisville
MIDWEST REGION
1 Kansas, 6 USC
SOUTH REGION
4 Pittsburgh, 2 Texas
WEST REGION
1 UCLA, 7 West Virginia

ELITE EIGHT WINNERS
Louisville, Kansas, Texas, UCLA

FINAL FOUR - Kansas over Louisville, UCLA over Texas

CHAMPIONSHIP ........ [dramatic Kige Ramsey pause] .......
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UCLA 72, Kansas 67!! Russell Westbrook, Most Outstanding Player

The Big Dance - Initial thoughts

2008-03-16T23:14:00.021-05:00

Christmas morning is over, we've opened the presents and we now know who the lucky 65 dancers are starting with the annual play-in game in Dayton, where Coppin State and Mount St. Mary's will battle it out for the right to get devoured by North Carolina by 50 on Friday. Let's get it on!!

All right, now these are my initial gut reactions, predictions, and observations. I do reserve the right to change my predictions between now and Wednesday night as these are knee jerk, no analysis picks. And, yes, I will post my final bracket predictions here on Wednesday night.

First, let me say that none of the "snubbed" teams left on the outside looking in have a gripe. The closest team to a true "snub" would be Arizona State who actually beat Arizona twice and had a better record in the same conference. But even Arizona State was a "one and done" waiting to happen. As for the rest of the jilted -- Ohio State, Dayton, Illinois State, Virginia Tech (Seth Greenberg, nice try on the lobbying. Too bad they count the whole season, not just one close loss to UNC), et al -- you all had chances to seize the day. You didn't. Have a New York slice for me when you get to MSG for the NIT Final Four.

As for the teams that did make it, while last year gave us all kinds of chalk advancing (Gambling tidbit - favorites were a torrid 22-10 against the spread in the first round alone), including two #1's and two #2's going to the Final Four, I think we'll see some lower seeds make more noise this year. So with that said, here are my "live" teams for each numbered seed -- in other words, the team at that seed that has the best chance to make some noise and plunder brackets everywhere.

MOST LIVE 16 SEED - NONE. A 16 seed has never beaten a 1 seed in the history of the tournament. Don't waste your time trying to find one this year that will. Predicted average margin of victory for the 1 seeds in the first round: 38 points.

MOST LIVE 15 SEED - BELMONT (West) Picking a 15 seed to win a first round game is almost as big a suicide mission as picking a 16 seed. But I guess if you're looking for one who might stand a chance of keeping it interesting for a while in the first round, check out Belmont against Duke. The Bruins are not a very big team, but Duke is certainly not big enough themselves to totally exploit that. Also, the Bruins beat Cincinnati and Alabama on the road this season so they've competed against and beaten legit big conference teams. Neither of them are Duke, but hey, what the hell do you want from me? It's a 15 seed, for crying out loud.

MOST LIVE 14 SEED - GEORGIA (West) This is an easy one. How would you like to be Xavier? Just a week ago you were in the mix for a two seed, then one bad night later you are sitting at a 3 seed opposite one of the hottest teams in the country in 14 seed Georgia. Ouch. The Bulldogs' Sundiata Gaines is a solid point guard who can neutralize Drew Lavender (who's battling an ankle injury), and the Bulldogs also have some size inside with Dave Bliss and Albert Jackson. More than anything else, after a season where they endured everything from players being suspended to guys quitting over playing time, Georgia is going to come in loose and playing like they have nothing to lose -- which is exactly what Xavier didn't need to see. If you are ever going to pick a 14 seed over a 3 seed, this is the time to do it.

MOST LIVE 13 SEED - WINTHROP (East) After knocking off Notre Dame last year for its first ever tournament win, Winthrop is looking to build on that success in 2008. It was widely assumed they would be ceding the Big South throne after going through a coaching change with Gregg Marshall leaving for Wichita State, but here they are again. The Eagles knocked off Georgia Tech and Miami this year, the latter on the road, and played one of the nation's toughest non-conference schedules. They will not be intimidated by a Washington State team that plays a similar style and is a little overrated, in my opinion. This will be a tight game, and if Winthrop pulls off the upset, guess who's likely waiting in round 2? Notre Dame.

MOST LIVE 12 SEED - TEMPLE (South) Sticking with the theme of hot teams winning conference tournaments, the Temple Owls were on fire down the stretch, winning their last four regular season games to finish second in the Atlantic 10 and then chasing that with an A-10 tourney win to get the automatic bid. If you're looking for a 12 seed that has the March Madness formula covered, the Owls are it -- great guard play (Dionte Christmas and Mark Tyndale), protect the ball well, good foul shooting. Combine that with the fact that they are facing a very inconsistent Michigan State team, and I think there's a decent chance we could see two of the hottest teams in the tourney (Pitt and Temple) battling in round 2.

MOST LIVE 11 SEED - BAYLOR (West) I'm actually not crazy about any of the 11 seeds. Kentucky is a "one and done" waiting to happen, Kansas State has ranged anywhere from enigmatic to awful during the last month, and St. Joe's is just all right. Which brings us to Baylor. They play a Purdue team in the first round that overachieved all year and can be had. The truth of the matter is that if Curtis Jerrells and company are knocking down shots, they have a very real chance at the Sweet 16, with the Xavier-Georgia winner awaiting them in the second round.

MOST LIVE 10 SEED - DAVIDSON (Midwest) Again, I'm not crazy about the 10 seeds in this tournament. Davidson is led by Stephen Curry, son of former NBAer Dell Curry. He'll be following in dad's footsteps someday. The Wildcats played Duke and UCLA tough this season and went undefeated in their conference. The Gonzaga-Davidson game will be one of the best of the first round.

MOST LIVE 9 SEED - KENT STATE (Midwest) One of the hottest teams in the country coming into the tournament, the Golden Flashes jumped into the public consciousness with a Bracket Buster win at St. Mary's a few weeks ago. They are a versatile, athletic team that could hang around with Kansas in the second round for a while.

MOST LIVE 8 SEED - MISSISSIPPI STATE (South) There might not be a more quietly consistent big conference program than Mississippi State as they won the SEC West for the fourth time in six seasons. Led by All-SEC performers Jamont Gordon and Charles Rhodes, the Bulldogs are one of the top defensive teams in the tournament and are athletic enough to give Memphis trouble in the second round.

MOST LIVE 7 SEED - WEST VIRGINIA (West) For the record, this now makes four "live" seeds out of eight teams total coming out of the Washington, DC subregional. So if you're looking for a spot on the bracket to try some upsets, you know where I stand on this topic. As for the Mountaineers, Bob Huggins has transformed them into a very efficient hybrid of what they were under John Beilien (three point gunners) and classic Huggy Bear Ball (hard nosed and scrappy). Joe Alexander has quietly put together one of the best post seasons of any player in the country, averaging around 30 a game in the Big East tournament. The coaching matchup in the first round (Huggins vs Kevin O'Neill) is a total mismatch, and WVU will give Duke all they can handle in the second round. I'm taking Duke right now, but reserve the right to change my mind before Thursday.

MOST LIVE 6 SEED - USC (Midwest) Most people when they think of USC immediately think of OJ Mayo, but the fact of the matter is this is a pretty balanced, talented bunch that is playing its best basketball heading into March. Also, Tim Floyd is a very good game coach with his various defensive schemes; all you have to do is watch the Memphis game from earlier this season when the Trojans took the Tigers to overtime before losing to understand that Floyd is an equalizer in matchups where the Trojans have less talent. Mayo is a star in the making who can put a team on his back. This team can go to the Elite Eight and can absolutely give Kansas all it can handle in the regional final.

MOST LIVE 5 SEED - CLEMSON (Midwest) Clemson spent the entire season as the clear third dog on the ACC, which is fine. Good enough for a five seed. They took UNC to overtime twice in the regular season before losing in the ACC finals to the Heels. Clemson is deep, athletic and balanced. The Achilles heel is foul shooting, where they barely crack 60% as a team. That will cost them in a close game.

MOST LIVE 4 SEED - PITTSBURGH (South) This is a typical Jamie Dixon Pittsburgh team - a bunch of athletic, mentally tough street brawlers. We saw that in spades in the Big East tournament where they won four games in four days in arguably the toughest conference in the country. Sam Young is an all-Big East performer but the x factor on this team is point guard Levance Fields, who missed a large portion of the season with a broken foot. When he's healthy, Pitt is one of the top 10 teams in the country. Memphis has faced maybe one other team this year that busted them in the mouth the way Pitt will in the Sweet Sixteen, and that was USC who took the Tigers to overtime.

MOST LIVE 3 SEED - LOUISVILLE (East) Forget about losing to Pitt in overtime in the Big East tournament. Louisville heads into the tournament playing its best basketball of the season, winning 11 of 13 down the stretch in the regular season. Rick Pitino has this team playing his style of ball, especially defensively where they combine full court pressing with a 2-3 zone in the half court to make life very uncomfortable for their opponents. I am picking Slick Rick and the Cards to go to the Final Four.

MOST LIVE 2 SEED - TEXAS (South) Admittedly, once you get into 2 seeds and 1 seeds, they all better be "live". Texas gets the nod here because they have two things going for them -- (1) DJ Augustin, who is the best player on any of the #2 seeds, and (2) a de facto home court advantage in the regional final. They also have as many quality wins over elite competition as any team in the country with wins over UCLA, Kansas, and Tennessee.

MOST LIVE 1 SEED - UCLA (West) The best, most versatile team in the country (my opinion) combined with the weakest of the four regions equals a high probability of three Final Fours in a row for Ben Howland and his crew. Kevin Love's back spasms are a little concerning, but if he's right, UCLA is the best team in the country in a tournament format.

My thoughts on each of the four regions (in order of how difficult the region is, purely my opinion):

1. MIDWEST

The pundits all seem to think that the East Region is the toughest of the four, but I disagree. I think a key component of the difficulty of a region lies with how strong the middle seeds are. The top three seeds in each region are always going to be strong, but it's how tough the seeds 4 thru 12 are that swing the vote. (I will say that I'm not crazy about Wisconsin at the 3 seed, though.) I think 5 Clemson, 6 USC, and 7 Gonzaga are all talented enough to make runs to the Elite Eight. 9 Kent and 10 Davidson are the strongest of the 9 and 10 seeds in the tournament, and 11 Kansas State has the best player in the country in Michael Beasley.

Potential Sweet 16 Matchup that could rock - USC vs Georgetown. The most hyped freshman coming into the season (OJ Mayo), who has at times lived up to the hype, taking on one of the most storied programs of the last thirty years. Watching Tim Floyd's athletes D up against the Princeton offense would be fascinating to watch. Would Roy Hibbert finally establish himself as a premier big man?

Predicted Regional Final - 1 Kansas over 2 Georgetown

2. SOUTH

See! I don't even have the East as the second toughest region in the tournament. The committee sure didn't do 1 Memphis any favors, placing them in the same region as 2 Texas with the likelihood that they will clash in Houston (advantage Horns) for the right to drive down I-10 to San Antonio. Also, the committee placed two of the hottest teams of the post season in this region in 4 Pitt and 12 Temple. 3 Stanford could cause problems for 6 Marquette and Texas with all of their size inside, and 7 Miami came on strong down the stretch to lock up a 7 seed. Memphis' potential path to the Final Four of 8 Mississippi State, Pitt, and Texas is pretty daunting considering the various styles of play and the games being played in Houston (if Texas gets to the regional final).

Potential Sweet 16 Matchup that could rock - Texas and Marquette would be a good one on the one side of the bracket, but the one I really want to see is Memphis and Pitt. Memphis with it's "40 minutes of hell" circa 2008 versus Pitt with it's street brawling, classic Big East style would be a mind blowing contrast in styles. Watching these two team try to impose their respective wills on the other would be some sweet March deliciousness.

Predicted Regional Final - 2 Texas over 4 Pitt

3. EAST

Why am I ranking the Eastern region third when everyone else (Digger, Bilas, Vitale, etc) are conceding it's easily the hardest? Well, frankly, I'm just not overly impressed with the "meat" (i.e. 4 thru 12) of this bracket compared to the Midwest and the South. But before I get to the "meat", let's start at the top. I think 1 UNC can be had. I know their style of play is not conducive to putting up great defensive numbers, but they had way too many average teams put up big scoring nights on them this year. Also, they're extremely careless with the ball. Maybe that will change with more focus come tourney time, but I tend to think that you are what you are, and UNC turns the ball over too much against athletic teams to think that it can't hurt them in a "one and done" scenario. I'm not wild about 2 Tennessee either. Ever since they knocked off Tennessee (and Bruce Pearl started texting Erin Andrews on a regular basis), they've looked sloppy. They also don't shoot free throws well which will bite them at some point. I actually like 3 Louisville a lot in this region. I think their full court pressing and athleticism matches up well with UNC and Tennessee and I like David Padgett as a very underrated big (and a perfect fit in Pitino's offense). As for the aforementioned "meat" of the region, 4 Washington State is a bit overrated to me, 5 Notre Dame struggles away from home against athletic teams (which this region is full of), and 6 Oklahoma is a decent Big 12 team, nothing more. I think 7 Butler couldn't have asked for a worse region to land in given their limitations size-wise and athletically. And 8 Indiana looks like they've cashed in their chips on interim coach Dan Dakich. Just nothing here to really scare the big boys. Of the four, this region is the most likely to send the chalk to the Sweet 16.

Potential Sweet 16 Matchup that could rock - Notre Dame vs North Carolina. While UNC is plenty athletic, I don't know that they play the in-your-face, extend-to-the-perimeter defense that has given ND trouble so many times this year (see Louisville and Marquette), and ND can run with the Heels. Take the over, because it would be an absolute scoring-fest. And watching Harangody and Hansbrough slug it out for forty minutes would be like watching the last two rounds of Rocky on a continuous loop. Seriously, if you're a college hoops fan, root for this matchup to happen.

Predicted Regional Final - 3 Louisville over 1 North Carolina

4. WEST

As you can see from all of my "live" seeds above, I think there are major chances for upheaval in the West Region. Unfortunately, I think it has less to do with how powerful the lower seeds are (relatively speaking) and more to do with how flawed the big dogs in this region are, save 1 UCLA who I think is going to win the whole tournament. Looking at the West, I think you could make a case that all of the following are the weakest of their four respective seeds in the tournament (i.e. Duke is the weakest of the four 2 seeds):

2 Duke (no inside game, way too reliant on three point shooting)
3 Xavier (playing mediocre down the stretch, best player is playing on bum ankle)
5 Drake (a nice story but would they be favored against ND, Clemson, or Michigan State?)
6 Purdue (overachieved all year, and again would they be favored vs USC, Marquette, or Oklahoma?)

The worst matchup on the board for UCLA in this region is 4 Connecticut with all of their size and athleticism, but they're so Jekyll and Hyde, I could see them going to the Final Four or losing by 15 to 13 San Diego in the first round. At the end of the day, I think UCLA is the one team in this tournament that can play multiple styles of basketball and feel comfortable. The rest of the big dogs all seem to have areas of discomfort whereby if their opponent is able to dictate tempo, they're less proficient. Of course, this is all predicated on Kevin Love's back being 100%. If it's not, then Connecticut will beat UCLA.

Potential Sweet 16 Matchup that could rock - This region honestly doesn't have that many potential matchups that get me jazzed up, but UCLA against Connecticut is very intriguing. Even with some of the good bigs UCLA has seen (Lopez's 1 and 2, Jeff Pendergraph), they haven't seen anything like Hasheem Thabeet. And Jeff Adrien is a beast at the power forward. Connecticut can match up with UCLA athletically, it would come down to how well Craig Austrie and A.J. Price protect the basketball.

Predicted Regional Final - 1 UCLA over 2 Duke

FINAL FOUR PREDICTIONS -

UCLA over Texas, Kansas over Louisville
UCLA over Kansas for the whole shebang

The Greatness That is Kige Ramsey

2008-03-16T22:50:00.004-05:00

If you don't know who Kige Ramsey is, learn the name. He's the new face in sports commentary, rocking his opinions for about a year now for Youtube Sports, the one man media conglomerate that Kige founded right around the same time he found out how to upload video from his camera. Headquartered in his parents' basement, here is an example of the no-nonsense greatness that is Kige Ramsey ....

Notice the 9 second dramatic pause! Awesome. I was totally on the edge of my seat. His prediction turned out to be wrong, but still the drama was amazing.

And Kige is about so much more than just sports. Check out his spring break advice, courtesy of Youtube Travel, which I can only assume is a wholly owned subsidiary of Youtube sports ....

Does it stop at travel tips? Hell no! Having problems with acne? Kige is right there to help you clear up that pizza face ....

I agree, Kige! I "don't think none of them work neither". So good.

Staying with the medical theme, Kige takes us on a journey back to where it all started -- the hospital in which he was born!

Diet tips ....

Exercise tips ....

There's nothing he can't do!

All hail, the KIGE-STER!!!

Move over, Duke! Dickie V has a BRAND NEW LOVER!

2008-03-16T11:50:00.007-05:00

Let me preface what I am about to post by saying that I like Tyler Hansbrough. I don't mean personally, I mean as a basketball player. I don't know him personally. For all I know he could be a typical 20-something frat boy jerk, although admittedly he comes across as very likable in interviews. But as far as what he does on the court, it certainly works at the collegiate level. He scraps, he draws fouls (and then actually hits foul shots! Novel concept), he brings energy that his team feeds off of, and he's a decent athlete for a big guy.

I issue that preface because what I am about to say will sound like I am hating on Tyler Hansbrough. I am not. I am merely sharing with all of you the nausea that was inflicted upon me by Mike Patrick and Dick Vitale on Saturday during the UNC-Virginia Tech game. Anybody who has watched a game called by Patrick and Vitale knows that they can latch onto something and then proceed to beat us over the head for the next two hours with their overly glowing opinions on said subject matter (which are delivered from each of them as the gospel truth), oftentimes to the detriment of the broadcast. Now for Vitale and Patrick, this was hallowed ground previously reserved for all things Duke (interspersed with the occasional "Indiana is clinically insane if they don't re-hire Bobby Knight" rant from Vitale), but with the Blue Devils turning into a rich man's version of a run and gun, bombs away mid-major this season, it appears Dukie V and Patrick have found a new play toy and it's Psycho T.

Now circling back to my preface, I like Tyler Hansbrough. He is certainly deserving of All American mention and even Player of the Year accolades. (Myself, I would go with Michael Beasley, but Hansbrough's had a great year.) But the Virgina Tech game on Saturday was essentially a two hour infomercial for Tyler Hansbrough with Vitale and Patrick taking turns playing Ron Popeil. (The last second jumper by Psycho T to win the game was basically the equivalent of the perfectly cooked meal coming out of the Turbo Cooker at the end of the infomercial.)

Hansbrough is a very good college player, but to hear Vitale and Patrick gush about him for two hours consecutively, you'd think that science found a way to create a Larry Bird/Moses Malone cyborg and they named him Tyler Hansbrough. Put it this way -- they spent the first two minutes of the game talking entirely about Hansbrough. I got a phone call and muted the TV. When I hung up the phone ten minutes later and came back, guess who they were talking about. Right.

Here are a few of the gems (in bold, and admittedly, I am paraphrasing from memory) with my thoughts, and be warned -- this is where I will start to sound like a Psycho T hater when in fact, I see myself merely as a Psycho T realist:

"He is really fast!" (Patrick after watching Hansbrough knock a ball away from one of Virginia Tech's guards from behind)

Not really, Mike. He just happens to be one of the few bigs in the country who would make the effort to chase down a guard from behind. He is a decent athlete. Energetic? Yes. Fast? No.

"Oh he gives sooooo much effort! He plays with more passion than anyone I've seen in my 29 years in this business!!! He's AWESOME, BABYYYYYYY!!!" (Vitale stroking out about Hansbrough's passion. This happened no fewer than 412 times during the broadcast, including on a play where Hansbrough got a dunk off of a "look what I found" rebound with no Virginia Tech player within ten feet of him.)

Vitale is constantly beating us over the head with the whole "most passionate player I've ever seen in 29 years" opinion. I don't know exactly how he measures this? Floor burns? Horrible white guy dances after buzzer beaters? Glazed psychotic look after getting bloodied by Gerald Henderson? Diameter of eyeballs? It has to be a combination of these elements because these are the only areas I can see where Hansbrough has truly distinguished himself from other "passionate" players. Psycho T brings it every night, I just don't know why Vitale has decided he is the most passionate player ever, other than the obvious ESPN-induced groupthink which states that anything happening right now is "the best ever!!".

"Hey, why not throw that shot up there? It actually goes in for him sometimes." (Vitale after Hansbrough threw up one of his patented off balance, fadeaway, below the rim, baseline heaves that barely caught rim)

Yeah, it goes in 10% of the time. They should try it every time down the floor. Huh?

"He's the type of kid who would come back for his senior year" (Patrick after a brief interplay with Vitale where they discussed Hansbrough leaving UNC after this season for the NBA Draft)

I think this was meant to be a "the kid is so infectious and just loves college" comment. The fact of the matter is that Patrick and Vitale are ignoring the 800 LB gorilla in the room -- Hansbrough is a marginal NBA prospect, at best. Anyone who follows mock drafts knows that Hansbrough would have probably been at best a late first round pick after his freshman year. Ditto his sophomore year. Now go to some of the mock draft sites and where do they have the great Psycho T? Same thing. Late first round, early second round. Hell, NBAdraft.net has him as a late first round pick ... in 2009! In other words, he is what he is, and the people who scout NBA talent for a living see him as having reached his ceiling. And it's a ceiling where if he were to come out, he'd be at serious risk of being a second round pick and not getting the guaranteed pay day that comes with being a first rounder. Unless he just hates college, of course he should come back to school for his senior year!

By the way, if Tyler Hansbrough has reached his ceiling (and unless he all of a sudden develops three point range on his jumper, I think he has) and if "he is what he is" as an NBA prospect, then what exactly is that? Honestly, I think Tyler Hansbrough is a role player on the NBA level, maybe a rich man's Mark Madsen. I don't think his post up game translates well at all to the NBA. He plays below the rim and his signature back to the basket move is that turnaround shot where he leans into the defender and flips it toward the rim (which gets sent back at him more than Vitale and Patrick would care to admit). Also, he gets a ton of points from the foul line (the last Duke game not withstanding) and he's not going to get "Player of the Year" respect from NBA referees. He's never gonna be a guy you run plays for in the NBA, so he's going to get most of his points by crashing the boards and getting garbage buckets. He is an effort guy, and unlike Madsen he can shoot a little bit, so there's definitely a place for him, but he'll never be a 20-10 (or even a 12-8 guy). I will predict right now that Vitale's head will explode during the NBA Draft when Hansbrough drops to late first round, and he'll scream about how (fill in name of NBA team here) is getting a "great kid, a passionate kid, and an absolute steal at the 29th pick overall, BABYYYYYYY!!!"

So Coach K, you better start sending Dickie V some fruit baskets. His voice is back and he's got a brand new object of his affection. And that play toy's name is Psycho T.

Z Report Draft Show - Episode III

2008-03-08T00:15:00.002-06:00

Here is the latest podcast of the Z Report NFL Draft Show; this show ran live on 1560 The Game on Thursday night, March 6. Next show will be live on Thursday, March 13 at 6:00 PM right after the "Sean and John Show".

Chalk up ANOTHER one for Scientology! YAY!

2008-03-03T23:43:00.003-06:00

I can list all of the addictions that I've battled in my life fairly easily:

- Pizza nachos
- Youtube
- $10 parlays that pay like $8,342 (lifetime record: 0-712)
- Sopranos DVD's

I will say that I feel fortunate that I've never had to battle drug addictions, especially after watching Jeff Conaway (and others) stumble their way through the Celebrity Rehab series. It's scary to see people who have access to the best care in the world still not even come close to turning the corner.

Until now!

According to Conaway, it wasn't until he found Scientology that he was finally able to cross "getting hopped up on goofballs" off of his daily to-do list for good. From Inside Edition:

"I’ve been doing Scientology...my doctor was like, 'Holy cow,' he says, 'Whatever you’ve been doing keep doing it because it’s really working.' ”

Conaway says his former Grease co-star John Travolta introduced him to the controversial religion. “John and I stayed friends but he couldn’t watch me going down the tubes…he gave me a whole library of Scientology books and he’s given me an auditor who comes almost every day.”

That's right! Chalk another one up for Xenu! Another satisfied customer!

Most heart warming subplot of this whole thing. Thirty some odd years after Thunder Road, Zuko still has Kenickie's back. They go together like ramalamalama kadingygadingydong.....

Z Report Draft Show - Episode II

2008-03-03T18:56:00.003-06:00

In case you haven't had a chance to listen yet, I am co-hosting a weekly NFL Draft Preview show with my good friends Lance Zierlein and John Harris called the Z Report NFL Draft Show (named after Lance's Z Report blog, which is linked to this here blog). Below you can find the podcast for last week's show. If you live in the Houston area or stream our station on the internet, you can hear the Z Report NFL Draft Show on 1560 The Game at 6:00 Central Time on Thursdays.

Cornell puts on their DANCE shoes! Let the Madness BEGIN!!

2008-03-02T23:17:00.004-06:00

Forget pitchers and catchers, this weekend the REAL sign that spring is almost here took place. Every March (sometimes sooner), the Ivy League champion clinches their conference title and thus enters automatic access to the Big Dance, firing the first of 64 Big Dance salvos that will be unleashed in the next two weeks. You see, the Ivy League is the last of the D-1 basketball leagues to crown their regular season champion as their true champion. All of the other conferences crowns their champion with a (sometimes ... ok, rarely) lucrative conference tournament. Ivy Leaguers are too busy with splitting atoms and slicing open cadavers to bother with a conference tournament so they kick it old school and actually have a regular season that matters. Personally, I am a fan of having the student-athletes play as many games as possible for my enjoyment, classwork be damned, but that's just me.

(For the record and for those of you who think I should have referred to "65 Big Dance salvos" above not 64, I don't count the two play-in game participants as part of the field until one of them leaves the court in Dayton on that fateful Tuesday night with a W. Then the 64th salvo is finally fired. On this there can be no debate.)

Oh by the way, major ups to the Cornell Big Red for winning the Ivy League. I can think of one fictitious Cornell graduate who has to be ecstatic ....

BRACKETOLOGY CENTRAL

Here are links to some of the latest mock brackets from around the web. We at the Sports Kolache will be tracking every tiny little tremor in the world of brackets and bubbles over the next couple weeks.

E SPN Bracketology (Joe Lunardi)
ESPN Bubble Watch (Andy Glockner)
CBS Sportsline Field of 65 (Gary Parrish)
CNNSI Hoop Thoughts (Seth Davis)
March Madness All Season
March to Madness
Sporting News (Ryan Fagan)

Stone Cold Bloggin', 3/2/08

2008-03-02T20:53:00.005-06:00

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm starting to become a believer in the Yao-less Rockets. The wins over Washington and Memphis were nice (and necessary), but the fact is neither of those teams has a big guy that puts any sort of scare into you. Brendan Haywood? Kwame Brown? Whatever. In other words, a frontcourt of Dikembe for 20 minutes and the dreaded, two-headed Sco-Landrinator is more than enough to get you to the pay window. This Nuggets win is an obvious cut above the first two, for a couple reasons. First and foremost, the Nuggets are in that mix of teams (along with Golden State, Dallas, Phoenix, and New Orleans) that the Rockets will be presumably duking it out with for survival at season's end, so a win against anyone in that group takes on larger importance than beating up on the Grizz or the Wiz. Second, this was another game where the Rockets got a first half lead and proceeded to put their foot on the opposition's esophagus, and in this case an opponent who has the weapons to mount a second half charge. That charge never came.

I probably need to stop waiting for Shane to quit hitting three's, for Rafer to turn into a pumpkin, and for the team to issue a press release saying T-Mac will miss the next ten games with a floor burn, and just enjoy this ride. The seeds are being planted for a pretty sweet NBA story if the Rockets can make a run into the post season. Except for the Lakers, Spurs, and maybe the Jazz, you can make a case for the re-conifigured, post-Yao Rockets being a better team than any of the other teams in the West. Hell, it looks like the Suns (clearly) and Mavericks (possibly) have actually made themselves worse with their big trades. I'm not saying the Rockets are definitively better than these teams, it's too early to tell. I'm just saying there is an argument, which frankly is a lot more than most of us (my hand is raised) were willing to concede a few days ago.

Circle March 6. The Rockets go to Dallas on the tail end of a back-to-back. If we're talking about win #17 in a row in Thursday night, it's on.

Now for some Monday time wasters ...

LINKS

Many a tale from NFL Combines past [The Sports Hernia]
Bas Rutten has an e-card for everyone that is interested in the new movie "Never Back Down", a/k/a Karate Kid 2008 [Never Back Down]
Rutgers tries to maintain its spot in college football relevancy via the old fashioned way -- new fangled mouthguards. [Wizard of Odds]
Pittsburgh's PNC Park, last in baseball, first in eating! Yes, those four magic words -- ALL YOU CAN EAT! [Bugs and Cranks]
WWE Action Figure test (sadly, I scored 100%). [Mental Floss]
Early gauge on the Coach's Hot Seat -- it's Ty Willingham in the lead! [Coaches Hot Seat]
The Koncak League! An idea that is long overdue. [TY Sports]
A Boise high school football player is suing Hawaii over revoking a scholarship offer. Believed to be the first time this has happened. What took so long? [Wizard of Odds]
Breaking down the Terrelle Pryor sweepstakes [Detroit Free Press]

VIDEOS

This one is an oldie but a goodie. Be patient, there is a pay off at the end, and it involves a heavy set reporter wailing like Chewbacca in a bondage rack.

And here is the animated version ...

And the remake ...

How to get ahead in the weatherman universe? Act the fool, like Mark Mathis ....

I love old Sopranos clips. This is one of the greatest scenes in the history of the series. Actually, if you think about the whole Mitchell Report saga, imagine Clemens as Tony, Pettitte as Paulie Walnuts, Chuck Knoblauch as Silvio, and McNamee as Big Pussy. Don't you think there is part of Roger that wishes he found out McNamee had ratted him out to the Feds early enough to take him boat shopping?

Borseth vs Gundy rants. I think rants have now jumped the shark, don't you?

Where Does it Happen? It Happens at 1560...

2008-02-27T13:51:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday Chuckster!

2008-02-20T13:11:00.004-06:00

ON this day, 45 years ago, Charles Barkley emerged from Charles Barkley's mother's womb, and the world would never be the same. I will come clean and admit that the Chuckster is my favorite athlete of all-time. No bandwagonning going on here, others will corroborate that I've been a stark, raving Chuck-o-maniac since he came into the league in 1984 as the Round Mound of Rebound. From the Olympic snub in 1984 to his MVP season in 1993 to his newly found career as the most entertaining studio analyst in sports, it's been a crazy ride.

For all of you Charles fans out there, here's a little birthday salute from the archives (and the ground breaking NBA Superstars video from the late 1980's) ....

Damn, you forget how ridiculous Chuck's skills were for a guy his size. Supreme rebounder at 6'4", and great in the open court at nearly 300 LB's. Awesome.

Just when hell had thawed out from Eli's Super Bowl win ...

2008-02-17T23:15:00.007-06:00

I'm not sure if I've conveyed this sentiment in my blog yet, but I hate Duke basketball. While I'm sure that most of the players (current and former) are good people and productive members of society, the fact of the matter is when they are brought together on the hardwood and put on the DUKE uniform, they all turn into a bunch of floor slapping, leg humping, overly dorkified spazzes. While I don't feel the need to list all of the reasons I hate Duke (nor do I have the time, as that process would take a solid three hours), at or near the top of the list is the slack that they are given by the referees. Seriously, the average Duke game makes WWE officiating look like the bastion of integrity. I know that soon the day will come when DeMarcus Nelson says "screw it" and reaches underneath the standard holding up the basket, pulls out a sledgehammer and channels his inner Triple H by decapitating Tyler Hansbrough (thereby finishing what Gerald Henderson started).

So it was indeed rather bizarre tonight when I got home from doing Sports Sunday on Channel 2 (thank you Adam Clanton and Randy McIvoy for the invite) and saw this graphic on my TV screen ...

(Photo courtesy of Awful Announcing)

Yes that's right ... ALL FIVE FREAKING DUKE STARTERS .... FOULED OUT! Honestly, I expected to see Calista Flockhart discussing the allure of all-you-can-eat buffets on the Food Channel before seeing this. Truly a thing of beauty. In fact, I'm not sure what made me happier -- seeing Duke's entire starting lineup on the bench, or knowing that their best player on the floor was the personification of Duke hoops himself -- the overrated, underathletic, scattershot defensive liability named Jon Scheyer.

Good times indeed.

Ande because you can't make fun of Scheyer's spastic face enough, for your viewing pleasure ...

Stone Cold Bloggin', 2/17/08

2008-02-16T18:12:00.005-06:00

It's that time of year! Early February .... South Florida ... smell of cut grass in the air .... anticipation of a new season, everyone starting over fresh ... pitchers and catchers arrive ... followed by their drug-pushing personal trainers who proceed to inject them in the ass with HGH and/or Winstrol, and then toss the evidence, err syringes in a beer can for the inevitable Congressional hearings five years from now. That's right! Baseball is back!!!

While we wait for the non-pitchers and catchers from the Mitchell Report to get to spring training, I have a few time wasters for those of you who have to work on this fine President's Day Monday. Here you go!

LINKS

Maybe Rusty Hardin should've packed some heat when he went to Capitol Hill with Roger last week. [Yahoo Sports]
The 10 Greatest Old School sports video games [All Balls]
More geographical college football recruiting information than you ever cared to know. [Wizard of Odds]
Notre Dame is going to play UConn in football, but one person is not too happy with the agreement. [Hartford Courant]
Sean Williams has issues with LaMarcus Aldridge. [Awful Announcing]
The ghost of Owen Hart is alive and well and living in the rafters of Kemper Arena. [The Big Lead]
SI screwed up on the names of the Texans cheerleaders in the swimsuit issue. On behalf of Marisa and Larisa, I demand justice. [Texans Chick]

VIDS

In honor of the recently released Chris Berman unplugged video series, how's about some videos of announcers screwing up? Shall we?

Jim Spanarkel has some strange well wishes for Seton Hall's Bobby Gonzalez ....

Dan Marino is a very intense individual. I wonder if privately he used to shout down Bob Costas and Nick Buoniconti behind the scenes on "Inside the NFL" like he used to shout down his receivers when they dropped the ball ...

It helps to keep an eye on the prodcuer to know when you're back on the air ...

Catching the ball with your hands apparently should set off all sorts of sirens on the Gay-dar ....

287 wins AND this video? Put Bert Blyleven in the Hall of Fame ... NOW!

HAPPY FREAKING VALENTINE'S DAY!!

2008-02-14T01:52:00.004-06:00

While I am firmly in the camp that Valentine's Day is a fabricated holiday designed to increase flower, candy, and jewelry sales (of items like dazzling diamond earrings or shimmering diamond bracelets at IW Marks, 3841 Bellaire Blvd or 2623 Town Center Blvd in Sugar Land), I am here to help the people. Just one month ago, our listeners helped compile a list of the top "deal closing" songs. (Naturally, this occurred on Sade's birthday ... Sade being the matron saint of all things boot knockin'.) Now for the first time publicly, after input from many experts in this field, I give you the top 40 songs from the few hundred we received from our listeners on that fateful day. And they are ....

No Ordinary Love - Sade
My, My, My - Johnny Gill
Superstar - Luther Vandross
Change the World - Eric Clapton
Can You Stand the Rain - New Edition
I'd Die Without You - PM Dawn
Kiss From a Rose - Seal
The Sweetest Taboo - Sade
Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
Caught Up in the Rapture - Anita Baker
The One I Love - David Gray
Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
Crash Into Me - Dave Matthews Band
Smooth Operator - Sade
Reunion - Maxwell
Crazy Love - Van Morrison
Comfortably Numb - Roger Waters (Departed version)
In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
Love of a Lifetime - FireHouse
Oh Girl - Chi-Lites
Purple Rain - Prince
Here Without You - 3 Doors Down
Love Serenade - Barry White
Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor
Fumbling Towards Ecstacy - Sarah McLachlan
Like Lovers Do - Heather Nova
A House Is Not a Home - Luther Vandross
The Suite Theme - Maxwell
Fade Into You - Mazzy Star
More Than I Can Say - Leo Sayer
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Comforter - Shai
Un-Break My Heart - Toni Braxton
With or Without Me - U2
Patience - Guns N' Roses
Colorblind - Counting Crows
Set Adrfit On Memory Bliss - PM Dawn
Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye
Any Time, Any Place - Janet Jackson

If any of you would like to download the songs on here to your iPod, I was kind enough to create an iMix of this playlist. Open your iTunes software and click here. (If that doesn't work, go to the iMix home page on iTunes and search on "1560 The Game - Deal Closers".

ALSO, if you're looking for something to buy that lovely lady in your life, I give you the purchasing advice of Youtube legend and consummate ladies man, Kige Ramsey ....

Roses, dinner, spa, and diamond ring. Got it. You the man, Kige.

I've now done all I can do. If you don't score on Valentine's Day now, you have no one but yourself to blame. (Unless you're name is Roger Clemens, in which case you can blame the Hendricks brothers. Seemed to work well yesterday.)

One Guy, One Bird ....

2008-02-11T13:12:00.000-06:00

Back tonight with some posts (FINALLY!), both sports and non-sports related. I promise.

NBA All-Star Reserves, One Man's Opinion

2008-01-27T21:53:00.000-06:00

The NBA All Star Game takes place in a just a few weeks in the ever rebuilding city of New Orleans. We all know about last year's well publicized long weekend in Vegas, highlighted by an NFL player named after a video game encouraging a member of his entourage to fire semi-automatic weapons into a strip club when the strippers would not give him back the money he threw on stage ... at a place where the performers' primary form of income comes from people throwing money on stage. Go figure.

Now if I were David Stern and I wanted to keep it conservative this year so as to avoid any chance that something bad could happen, I might have looked at some sleepy midwestern cities to host this year's game. Indianapolis, Milwaukee, and ... uh ... Indianapolis come to mind. So naturally this year's game will be in the one city where sex, booze, crime and gambling are just as prevalent as (if not moreso than) Vegas -- New Orleans! Awesome! What could possibly go wrong?

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to give you my opinion on who the reserves for the Eastern and Western Conference All-Star teams should be. The starters have already been chosen by the fans and, in case you haven't read a sports page or visited a sports website in the last week, it goes like this:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

GUARD - DWYANE WADE, Miami
GUARD - JASON KIDD, New Jersey
FORWARD - KEVIN GARNETT, Boston
FORWARD - LEBRON JAMES, Cleveland
CENTER - DWIGHT HOWARD, Orlando

WESTERN CONFERENCE

GUARD - KOBE BRYANT, Los Angeles Lakers
GUARD - ALLEN IVERSON, Denver
FORWARD - CARMELO ANTHONY, Denver
FORWARD - TIM DUNCAN, San Antonio
CENTER - YAO MING, Houston

Before I give you my take on who the reserves should be, a word or two on the starters. I don't have a big problem with any of these selections being a part of the All-Star rosters. The only one I would say is a marginal call is Jason Kidd whose shooting percentage has dropped so low that if I'm an opponent, my face lights up with orgasmic glee if I see him squaring up to shoot. He probably still deserves a spot on the team, but I wouldn't have him starting (and you could make a strong case to leave him off the team altogether for Jose Calderon; who would have believed that in October?)

As for the rest of the starters, I love Dwyane Wade as a player, but a starter on the All-Star team from a team who has lost 15 in a row (and counting)? Eh, whatever. And I'd have put in one of the true point guards in the West (Nash, Paul) over A.I., but that's nitpicking. The rest looks fine to me.

Ok, now onto my picks to round out the other seven spots on each team. In case you don't know the selection process the NBA uses for the All-Star reserves, it goes like this: Each coach is asked to fill out a ballot for seven reserves in their conference. They are not allowed to select players from their own team, and they must choose two guards, two forwards, a center, and two "wild card" spots. The positions of the players on a coach's ballot don't have to line up exactly with what position a player was on the fans' All-Star ballot; in other words, if a coach has to stretch the definition of a player's postion so we get the "best seven reserves", then so be it. (i.e. calling Chris Bosh a center so we don't have to see Ziggy Ilgauskas trudging up and down the floor on February 17) Also, it's asked that the coaches rate their selections 1 through 7 so as to assign a point value to each pick.

So with that in mind, I will now pretend I am the coach of the New York Knicks and I will fill out my ballot. (Why the Knicks? Well, it's the one team where I know I am in no danger of snubbing someone because they are "on my own team". Also, I think making me the coach of the Knicks is an immediate upgrade to their current situation. Actually, making my son's dachsund the coach of the Knicks is an immediate upgrade to their current situation.)

EASTERN CONFERENCE

GUARDS - CHAUNCEY BILLUPS, Detroit; RICHARD HAMILTON, Detroit. Billups is a no brainer. A late bloomer who just signed a big contract extension in the off season, he's one of those rare breeds who got the big money and has actually improved in nearly every statistic. And just check out his +/- rating on 82games.com to see how valuable he is to the Pistons (+9 higher than the next Piston). It was a coin flipper for me between Hamilton and Ray Allen for the other guard spot. I went with Hamilton because at this stage in his career, Allen is mostly a long range jump shooter (a damned good one, don't get me wrong) while Hamilton can beat you in different ways, whether it's catch-and-shoot, that little curl into the lane, or in transition. He is constantly moving, and end to end he is one of the fastest players in the league.

FORWARDS - CARON BUTLER, Washington; ANTAWN JAMISON, Washington. It's almost impossible to take one of these guys and not take the other. Fortunately, the East is thin enough this year and both of these guys are deserving, so doing so shouldn't spark too much debate. The fact of the matter is when Gilbert Arenas went down with his injury early in the season, most everyone wrote off the Wizards as a lottery team. But Jamison and Butler would have none of that. The Wizards are safely in the playoff mix, and playing much better defense than last season. Butler is arguably the top small forward in the league behind LeBron, and Jamison (20 and 10 guy who can go inside or outside on you) has one of the most versatile floor games of any power forward in the league.

CENTER - CHRIS BOSH, Toronto. I'm taking creative license here and calling Bosh a center. Either we do that, or we vote in Zydrunas Ilgauskas and watch him comically try to keep up with all of these thoroughbreds. Admittedly, it would give Yao someone to talk to while the rest of the guys on the floor zip past him at warp speed. (Now that conversation would be a youtube moment for sure.) As for Bosh, he deserves to be on the team based on the strength of this video alone:

Indeed, it is free to vote for you, Chris! I've seen enough, you've got my vote!

WILD CARDS - PAUL PIERCE, Boston; JOSH SMITH, Atlanta. With all of the hype over Garnett and Allen making their way to Boston, it's easy to forget the one guy out of the Big Three who was already there. Pierce has been rejuvenated this year and can still beat you in a variety of ways -- posting up, in transition, or from three. Smith is one of the top young talents you may have never seen play. He's dealt with some attitude issues in his first couple years in the league, and it helps his chances of making the team that the East is not nearly as deep in talent as the West, but this kid's game is explosive. In addition to putting up 18 a game on the offensive end, he's second in the league in blocked shots and 11th in steals. For those of you who are into the Hollinger stats thing, he actually rates ahead of guys like Jamison and Shawn Marion at the power forward position. And in case you're wondering how well he'd fit into the whole "alley oop every other play" thing that the All Star Game typically turns/degenerates into, well here you go ....

TOUGHEST OMISSIONS:

RAY ALLEN, Boston - Although my guess is he'd want to rest his ankles and feet for the weekend anyway
JOSE CALDERON, Toronto - There's a reason Toronto hasn't skipped a beat with T.J. Ford out nearly the whole season; probably deserves Kidd's spot on the roster
RICHARD JEFFERSON, New Jersey - Also probably more deserving than Kidd, although admittedly the All-Star Game is tailor-made for Kidd's passing skills

WESTERN CONFERENCE

GUARDS - CHRIS PAUL, New Orleans; STEVE NASH, Phoenix. Along with LeBron and Kobe, no two players are more valuable to their respective teams than these two. Paul is my league MVP for the first half of the season. To have this New Orleans team at the top of the Western Conference was unthinkable at the beginning of the season, and every time I find myself waiting for the six game losing streak, they seem to rattle off four or five more wins. As for Nash, the Suns record without him the last few years speaks for itself. Not only does he take good players like Amare Stoudemire, Shawn Marion and (to a lesser extent) Leandro Barbosa and make them borderline great, but he takes average players like Boris Diaw and Raja Bell and makes them vital parts of the offense with his distribution skills. Paul and Nash are the two easiest reserve picks.

FORWARDS - AMARE STOUDEMIRE, Phoenix; DIRK NOWITSKI, Dallas. Next to Nash, Stoudemire is the most indispensable piece on that talented Phoenix team because of the inside presence he brings (and how little of that they actually have on that team behind him). Plus, he's the one guy to fully recover from microfracture knee surgery and not run like he has a club foot, so bonus points there. At the other forward slot, it came down to Nowitski and Carlos Boozer, and while Dirk is not quite performing at the MVP levels he's been at the last few years, he's still one of the toughest matchups in the league because of his outside shooting and his nearly unstoppable fadeaway jumper. Boozer has been a double-double machine, so he's deserving, but the tie goes to the guy who didn't screw over a blind man who trusted him. Sorry Boozer.

CENTER - MARCUS CAMBY, Denver. One underrated subplot to this season has been the rebirth of the center position in the NBA, particularly out west. Seriously, look at the names at the "center" position on the All-Star ballot. They range from nearly great (Yao, Stoudamire) to very good (Camby, Kaman) to vastly improved (Chandler) to vital cogs (Okur, Miller) to young lions (Jefferson, Biedrins). And we get Greg Oden next year! So why Camby for the All-Star team? Well, he's leading the Western conference in rebounding and blocked shots, and while Camby doesn't do much except collect garbage on the offensive end, the fact is Dennis Rodman made multiple All-Star teams by being the best in the league at rebounding and defending. So should Camby this season.

WILD CARDS - BARON DAVIS, Golden State; BRANDON ROY, Portland. It pains me not to put Manu Ginobili on this All-Star team because of everything he does for the Spurs, but there's just no way I can (a) talk myself into lying and calling him a forward (and thereby booting Nowitiski) or (b) keep Davis or Roy off this team. Baron Davis is to Golden State what Steve Nash is to Phoenix. He's the heartbeat of the team, the guy who dictates the pace, and the guy who takes all of the big shots. He's strong enough to take smaller guards into the low block, and quick enough to take most others off the dribble. He's without peer at the point guard position when it comes to finishing a fast break or a drive to the hole, and is strong enough to where if he doesn't finish he usually gets to the line. As for Roy, he might be the most important player to arrive in Portland since they drafted Michael Jordan in 1984 .... oh wait, never mind. Seriously, it's not a reach to say he's the most important Blazer since Bill Walton. This is a franchise that had lost all public goodwill because they kept signing and drafting bad character guys, to the point where it almost appeared as though they intentionally were trying to put together a cast for some sort of strange prison flick about really tall criminals. They finally got rid of the last of the bad apples last summer when they traded Zach Randolph to New York for Channing Frye and the right to pay Steve Francis $30M to go home. They drafted Greg Oden, who was promptly diagnosed with a bad knee. The team appeared headed for another lottery season, yet somehow with a lineup that includes Steve Blake at point guard, Joel Przybilla at center, and Martell Webster at the three, Roy has this team in line to make the playoffs. We'll see if they can sustain it for 82 games. I say they can't, just not enough talent. But the fact that they are in the mix this deep into the season is a testament to the precocious Roy's leadership skills and his clutch shooting. Roy is also leading the Blazers in assists, which as a two guard tells you he doesn't have anyone even moderately decent at the point setting him up, he's having to make it happen for himself and set up his teammates. He's having to do it on his own, not unlike the role Tracy McGrady plays for the Rockets (although the next time Przybilla is confused for Yao will be the first). Basically, the West better brace itself because Roy-Oden will be Kobe-Shaq circa 2000-2002 within the next five years. Once the window has closed on Duncan, Nash, Nowitiski, Yao/T-Mac, and Kobe. And that day is coming ....

TOUGHEST OMISSIONS:

MANU GINOBILI, San Antonio - I still reserve the right to change my mind and boot Nowitski off the team in favor of the stone cold killa' from Argentina.
CARLOS BOOZER, Utah - Tough omission from a numbers standpoint, but he screwed over Gordon Gund and he went to Duke, so he gets the sucker punch in the junk
DAVID WEST, New Orleans - Overshadowed by Paul, maybe the most underrated player in the West
RUDY GAY, Memphis - Just mentioning him because he will be going to this game someday and probably soon ... and the Rockets traded the pick Memphis used to draft him for Shane Battier. I'm just sayin' ....

Cushman Punks Maguire, PART TWO

2008-01-27T12:55:00.001-06:00

Let's rewind to last week on this here blog and reset the now infamous Tom Cruise Scientology video, which consists of mostly nonsensical rambling about a bunch of answers he has and how he (and other Scientologists) sees the world a whole lot differently than others do. For the record, I do not debate the latter point -- I don't know many people whose views of the dawn of time involve spaceships and laser guns. For those who missed the video, here's a refresher ...

While that video is enough to ruin almost anything Tom Cruise has ever done, I still haven't let it ruin "Jerry Maguire" for me. Maybe it's Cuba Gooding, Jr's five-star performance as Rod Tidwell, maybe it's the football scenes (which except for Tidwell's end zone celebration are surprisingly realistsic), I still like this movie even with the Scientologist rocking the lead role and the ever annoying Renee Zellweger playing his female love interest.

If you were a fan of the Maguire character, one of the true stomach-turning scenes was when hotshot QB Frank Cushman (played by Jerry O'Connell) and his overly involved father decided to sign papers with Bob Sugar (played by Jay Mohr as only Jay Mohr could play it) because Jerry was in the lobby "with the black fella". Cushman punked Maguire and punked him badly.

Fast forward to 2008. Cruise is making Scientology brainwashing videos, and O'Connell is at it again! This time, strangely enough, I find myself rooting for Cushman. No Cushlash here ...

BRAVO!!

Stone Cold Bloggin', 1/25/08

2008-01-25T20:53:00.000-06:00

QUESTION: What do you get when you cross a ridiculously self-indulgent event like the Mike and Mike Roast with a somewhat horse-faced ESPN host and a full bottle of vodka?

ANSWER: A whole lotta f-bomb laced vitriol for Notre Dame, a one week suspension, and lots of public ridicule.

Dana Jacobson was suspended by ESPN last week for a drunken tirade that included the words "F--- NOTRE DAME! ... F--- TOUCHDOWN JESUS! ... F--- JESUS!" Naturally, this raised the ire of pretty much everyone outside of USC and Michigan fans (who all wholeheartedly agree with her even if they contend that they don't ... I know better ... liars!!) My favorite parts of this whole fiasco:

(1) ESPN actually came up with an idea (the Mike and Mike Roast) that was executed even more poorly than "Who's Now?"

(2) Jacobson's apology, which included this doozy:

"I am sorry. My remarks about Notre Dame were foolish and insensitive. I respect all religions and did not mean anything derogatory by my poorly chosen words. I also deeply regret the embarrassment I've caused ESPN and Mike and Mike."

Yeah, because the last thing that Mike and Mike would ever do is get near anything that would embarrass them ...

No, not at all ....

Ok, now some time wasters for those of you who are looking to either extend your weekend or work your way back into the job slowly on a Monday ...

LINKS

Check out the automatic complaint letter generator, a real time saver! [Scott Pakin]
Some riff-raff found their way onto the Big East coaches' conference call this week. Uh oh ... [Awful Announcing]
Amazing story about Dax Crum, a one-handed college basketball player. [The Big Lead]
The 1972 Dolphins are a bunch of delusional old men ... it's now confirmed. [FoxSports]
A comprehensive list of all of the things that made Dr. David Bruce Banner "hulk out" on "The Incredible Hulk". Informative. [KennethJohnson]
The Cubs marketing department needs to do some more research. [Deadspin]
Mike Adamle of American Gladiators fame is going to be joining the WWE as a backstage announcer. Kick his ass, Mean Gene! That's YOUR gig!! [411mania.com]
When someone puts together a list of reasons to hate the Utah Jazz? Well, count me in! [The Dream Shake]

VIDEOS

Got this one from Deadspin, this might be the worst (and by worst, I mean best) athlete car endorsement commercial of all-time ....

I mean, Papelbon is close ....

Ah, who am I kidding? NOBODY beats the DC area athletes pimping Eastern Motors!!

And speaking of horrible advertisements, let's take a trip in the WAY BACK machine and check out a young George Costanza gallivanting around the streets of some happy city and telling us about the McDLT ....

I guess that's an improvement over the original McDonald's commercials. And people wonder why kids are afraid of clowns ...

Enough with the ad's. Now a public service announcement. Kids, DO NOT try this at home!!

Had this one sent to me by no fewer than a couple dozen listeners. The downfall of the Cowboys. Very funny ....

This is Sly Stallone's Mother, Jackie ....

2008-01-25T20:07:00.001-06:00

I sure hope that when I'm 86 years old, I look that good.

Signed,
Carrot Top

1560 THE GAME MEETS SOUTH PARK

2008-01-25T15:18:00.000-06:00

OH MY GOD!!! THEY KILLED GRANATO!!!

I'm BACK! .... with a short post ... literally.

2008-01-25T13:16:00.001-06:00

I want to first apologize for the infrequency of posts in the last few days. Between a trip to the great white North (Chicago), a 39th birthday, and that little show that I do, I've been jam packed. The good news is that I have a ton of items to post and will do so in the next 24 hours.

The first one I wanted to get onto the blog was this story about a fraternity at Northwestern University (or the "University of Northwestern", as Coach Holtz calls it) that is under disciplinary review for booking a midget wrestling group called the Half Pint Brawlers for a rush event.

The Delta Upsilon fraternity is facing sanctions up to and including its complete annihilation for violating the university's hazing policy which clearly states that the term hazing means:

"any action taken or situation created, whether on or off university premises, to produce mental or physical discomfort, embarrassment, harassment, or ridicule for the purpose of affiliation with a group, team, club, or their organization."

Yeah, that's hazing all right. Thing is the people experiencing the discomfort and ridicule were getting paid to do so and (I'm pretty sure) are not members of the Delta Upsilon frat. In fact, if you ask the little guys, they had a freaking BLAST!!

One of the performers from Half Pint Brawlers, "Puppet the Psycho Dwarf," wrote in an e-mail to The Daily that the show was booked about one month ago.

"Little Justice (another performer) and myself had a great time at the event," he wrote. "The kids really seemed to enjoy the show."

The whole thing is exacerbated by the fact that Dean Wormer had these guys on double secret probation before this whole thing started. (SEVEN YEARS OF COLLEGE DOWN THE DRAIN!!!)

Personally, I'm a huge fan of midgets. Midgets are on the short list of things that always -- and I mean, ALWAYS -- make any situation they are inserted into automatically better. (For the record, I would include pizza, chicks in thongs, and honey roasted nuts on that list as well.) And they are ALWAYS funny; I'm talking laugh out loud, can't miss funny. The only other thing you can say that about is Claymation characters.

But don't just take my word for it .... see for yourself!

And if you think I'm getting Puppet booked for my show next week ... well, then you know me too well.

See! It's Harder Than It Looks!

2008-01-16T09:19:00.000-06:00

My career path is not a normal one. I spent fifteen somewhat successful years in the corporate world before finally realizing that my calling in life was to make wisecracks on the radio about Rafer Alston, Eli Manning, and vasectomies. I was fortunate enough to find someone (God bless you, John Granato!) who agreed that this was my calling. A new radio station is born and - VOILA! - the dream is alive! Because I was handed the keys to a drive time radio show (actually one set of keys, John Harris has the other set), I think people assume that getting on a microphone and spewing a coherent thought or two is pretty easy. To those people, I give you the following video of Tom from Huntington University as a cautionary tale .... (granted, this video is TV and not radio, but you get my point)

[Video courtesy of Awful Announcing.]

Somewhere, Brian Collins of Ball State University feels vindicated ...

Worth mentioning, Ball State and Huntington are 59 miles apart. Must be in the Indiana water.

Tom Cruise Has All The Answers .... Somewhere

2008-01-15T10:45:00.000-06:00

Below you will find the much discussed Tom Cruise Scientology video. Take a look, then read on .... (NOTE: One hour after I made this post, the video below was pulled from Youtube. Best I can do at this point is tell you to click here, sit back and be enightened.)

For fear that it might elicit a knock on my door followed by three of his people coming into my domicile and smashing my computer to pieces (and handing me a defamation lawsuit), I am not going to say anything derogatory about Cruise or Scientology. I find Tom Cruise to be very lucid and clear in this video about his vision for Scientology and the answers to all of the worlds problems -- so much so that the next time I am in a meeting, I am just going to respond to everything with "but I KNOW .... but I KNOW" and then others in the meeting will know that I can personally solve all of their problems and eliminate their character flaws. Done and done.

Also, I find Scientology and its teachings to be fascinating and logical, in particular anything involving Xenu and meteorites and the end of the world. My posting of a General Zod video from "Superman 2" in this blog entry is mere coincidence.

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!!!

Kenny Mayne as AJ Soprano

2008-01-14T21:18:00.000-06:00

I will be the first to say that I hate pretty much everything about NFL Countdown on ESPN. From the fabricated debates to Emmitt murdering the English language to Chris Berman himself, I have no use for it. Not even Hammerin' Hank Goldberg's picks. I mean, if I want to go 40% on my picks, I'll just keep doin' what I'm doin'. But I will admit that I like Kenny Mayne, one of the few at the WWL with actual comedic timing and a self-deprecating sense of humor. This past Sunday gave us this outstanding spoof of the "Sopranos" series finale starring Kenny Mayne and Cowboys assistant Tony Sporano. (ROMO ALERT: There will be a Tony Romo sighting in this video. Let's have some fun and blame the Cowboys losing on Romo deciding to do this bit. The Jessica stuff is sooooo December 2007.)

And now your basis of comparison ....

And for the record, I think Tony died. If you don't believe me, read this.

Kenny George - part Wookiee, part Muresan

2008-01-10T13:00:00.000-06:00

Say hello to Kenny George. He is a 7-foot, 9-inch center on the UNC-Asheville basketball team. He recently started playing basketball again after a three year hiatus, and he wears size 26 shoes which were used as fishing boats while he took time off from playing hoops. He dunks without leaving the floor, blocks shots with his armpit, and grabs fighter jets out of the air with his bare hands.

I think if Gheorghe Muresan and Laurence Fishburne were to procreate, they would spawn Kenny George. He might even be part Wookiee.

One person who is NOT scared of George .... Psycho T, Tyler Hansbrough ....

Was 1560 The Game Represented at the Clemens Presser?

2008-01-10T01:05:00.000-06:00

HELL YEAH WE WERE ...

Sorry, I didn't have time to photoshop deadly lasers shooting out of Clemens eyes straight through Richard Justice's sternum.

You and Me and this EAR makes THREE!

2008-01-07T12:08:00.001-06:00

And we have a winner! Red Raider Rick wins the 1560 THE GAME t-shirt by emailing me this beauty of Roger Clemens and his third ear!

On a related note, I mentioned in the previous post that I would be inclined to believe the first guy to flinch and take the other guy to court. Well, Roger won that race this morning, filing a defamation suit against Brian McNamee. Congrats to Roger on his first bold move of this battle. We'll see if McNamee still pushes forward with a countersuit. Oh the DRAMA!!!

T-minus 4 hours until today's high tea and krumpets with the media, and then it's off to Congress for Steroidpalooza on January 16th!!!

Roger on 60 Minutes: My Take

2008-01-06T22:42:00.000-06:00

Ever since it was announced several days ago that Roger Clemens would be appearing on "60 Minutes" to address the allegations in the Mitchell Report, my contention has been that the only way the interview would be considered a success for Roger would be if he did two things -- (1) address at least some of the specific allegations of Brian McNamee (like the ones with dates and places), and not just give us the blanket "I never took steroids" and (2) tell us specifically why we shouldn't believe Brian McNamee. I mean, according to Roger, as lies go McNamee is telling some whoppers. Under oath, no less! So if this guy's character is so questionable, Roger, give us SOMETHING from your decade-plus of knowing Brian McNamee that would help us connect the dots from "I didn't do steroids" to "Here's why McNamee's lying". He fibbed on a reply to jury duty ... he skipped out on a bar tab ... he knows all the words to "Mmm Bop" by Hanson but won't admit it. Something. ANYTHING.

So if you saw the interview on "60 Minutes" tonight, you know that Roger graded out thusly on each of my two assignments for him:

(1) D-
(2) F-

There were specific things that Roger said in the interview that would and did perturb me, regardless of whether or not I believe he is innocent (and we'll get to that shortly). Here they are (my thoughts are preceded by SP - yes, very creative, I know):

"CLEMENS: I'm angry that that what I've done for the game of baseball and the personal, in my private life, what I've done that I I don't get the benefit of the doubt The stuff that's being said, it's ridiculous. It's hogwash for people to even assume this. 24, 25 years Mike. You'd think I'd get an inch of respect. An inch. How, how can you prove your innocence?"

SP: I am very uncomfortable with (if not insulted by) the insinuation that someone's performance on the field and good works off the field (of which Roger has many in both categories) should automatically exonerate them from accusation of any wrongdoing when the fact of the matter is there has been enough innuendo and now testimony, along with the circumstantial evidence of body types and durability, to at least wonder if Roger has been using anything at any point in his career. To me, this defense (or complaint) from Roger is a variation of the "Do you know who I am?" defense that athletes will use when getting pulled over for a traffic violation. "He won 354 games, he's been very generous with his time and money, therefore he is above reproach when it comes to the use of performance enhancing drugs even though there is testimony from a guy who trained with him for ten years and even though Roger's body type since leaving Boston has always raised at least some suspicion in an era where many of the stars DO use steroids." To me, the accomplishments/charitable works are mutually exclusive from the allegations.

"CLEMENS: And if if if I have these needles and these steroids and all these drugs, what, where did I get ‘em. Where is the person out there gave ‘em to me? Please, please come forward."

SP: This was the most ridiculous thing that Roger said in the interview. Distributing steroids is illegal and punishable with serious fines and prison time. So we're supposed to believe that because no one has come forward, admitted a felony, and said "I gave Roger Clemens steroids", then there's no way he could have taken them? I should've used this one back in high school when my mom caught me with beer on my breath. "Where is the person that bought me the beer, Mom? Huh? Please, please come forward."

"WALLACE : Why would Brian McNamee want to betray you?

CLEMENS: I don't know. I'm so upset about it, how I treated this man and took care of him.

WALLACE: I imagine he's watching the two of us right now, wouldn't you?

CLEMENS: I hope he is.

WALLACE: Okay. Anything you want to tell him."

SP: Ok, here it is ... your big chance, Roger. Time to take down Brian McNamee. Time to take him down to Chinatown ....

"CLEMENS: Yeah. I treated him fairly. I treated him as great as anybody else. I helped him out!"

SP: Huh? That's it? This guy, according to you, Roger, is LYING and accusing you of unthinkable cheating. He is personally denying you of your legacy. And that's it?!?

"CLEMENS: My body never changed. If he's putting that stuff up in my body, if what he's saying which is totally false, if he's doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead. I should be pulling tractors with my teeth."

SP: Awesome hyperbole from Roger. If you take steroids like wrestlers from the WWE, you end up with a third ear or pulling tractors with your teeth (or giving nonsensical interviews like this). Nobody is accusing Roger of taking steroids in monstrous amounts or even long cycles. There was a very specific number of injections mentioned in the Mitchell Report, and I'm no doctor but I think that number is far from the amount that would qualify Roger as a "freak". That said, I'll send a 1560 THE GAME t-shirt to the first person to email me a photoshopped JPEG of Roger Clemens with a third ear growing out of his forehead. I would think there has to be one out there by now.

"TRACK: BUT HE DID ASK CLEMENS FOR A FAVOR JUST A FEW DAYS BEFORE THE MITCHELL REPORT CAME OUT.

CLEMENS: He emails me and asks me where all the good fishing equipment is down at Cabo that I bought so he can go fishing. Thank you very much. I said, Have a good time, go fishing. Doesn't say a word that you, that you know I'm fixing to bury you with all these accusations and what do we do about it. Didn't say a word about it. That's what pisses me off."

SP: Holy shit, if this is true, Brian McNamee has cajones the size of church bells. Are you kidding me? See now if I were Roger, I'd have honed in on this. He'd have at least gotten the sympathy of the male population out there because that shit just completely violates the guy code which states specifically in Section 2, paragraph (a) "Thou shalt not ask to use one's fishing equipment in Cabo if thou art about to trash one's Hall of Fame baseball career with accusations of steroid use". Honestly, if Roger had just used this as his character assassination on McNamee, and said "I know what Brian McNamee said, Mike, but honestly how can you believe a guy who would ask to borrow your fishing gear after accusing you of steroid use and not even having the decency to tell you about it?!?" I seriously think 90% of the guys in the United States would've been nodding along like "Yeah, no shit! Fuck you, McNamee!! RAT FUCK!!!" Upon further review, I revise my grade of Roger's Brian McNamee character assassination from an F- to a solid D for at least bringing up this story. He should've stuck with it longer, though. If the interview was twenty minutes long, he should've focused on this "fishing gear" story for eighteen of them.

"WALLACE: What, hold, what did McNamee gain by lying?

CLEMENS: Evidently not going to jail."

SP: McNamee committed perjury to stay OUT of jail? My head is spinning. I guess I need to go commit some felonies to make sure I don't wind up in the clink. Honey, pass me that plate with all of the white powder on it, and get my bookie on the phone .... thanks. Now let's go beat up some old people!!

"WALLACE Why would Brian McNamee tell the truth about Andy Pettitte and lie about you?

CLEMENS: Andy's case is totally is, is totally separate. I was shocked to learn about Andy's situation. Had no idea about it."

SP: Actually, Andy's case is not totally separate from yours. Let's take inventory:

You are both named in the Mitchell Report.
You have the same trainer (who happens to be the same accuser)
You've played for the same teams the last decade.
You work out together.
You eat together.
You seemingly don't make a move career-wise without mentioning Andy, to the point where it feels almost uncomfortable discussing it.
He is your best friend in baseball.

But you had no idea what Andy was doing. Ok then.

"WALLACE And never anabolic steroids?

CLEMENS Never.

WALLACE Swear?

CLEMENS Swear."

SP: I've checked the Swear Handbook and because Roger didn't pinky swear or swear on anyone's soul or grave, this swear is not valid. So I still have my doubts about his innocence .... I mean, if it were a pinky swear I'd be ready to send Brian McNamee up Shit's Creek. I mean, it's a fucking PINKY swear. But just "Swear"? Weak.

Roger went on to discuss the concept of being "guilty until proven innocent" in the United States (which is actually very true), then considered the possibility of taking a lie detector test, and finally wrapped up the interview by retiring for the fourth time in his career.

For the sake of baseball, I'd like to believe Roger Clemens, although I think the era we are in right now is so tainted that to start dissecting everyone's legacies and who may or may not have used something becomes mind numbing and frankly isn't a lot of fun. I'm at the point now where, when it comes to Clemens and McNamee, I'm ready to believe whoever decides to flinch first and take the other guy to court. Seemingly that would be the person who least fears putting his hand on the Bible and speaking truthfully (or perjuring themselves, which Barry Bonds has proven is always a possibility). And it's been said over and over again, but bears mentioning, if Roger is so innocent, then why did he wait so long to speak up? (one of about 20 questions that Mike Wallace failed to ask that should've been asked)

So to be continued, I guess ...

Roger gets one more public forum here in Houston tomorrow before going to Congress on January 16, assuming he can break free from his golf commitments. For Roger's sake, he better hope the people asking him the questions tomorrow throw him some softballs like Gilbert did ...

Somehow, I don't think they're going to ...

Jai Eugene Likes the Tangy Zip of Miracle Whip

2008-01-06T11:15:00.000-06:00

The BCS Title Game is a little like the Super Bowl in that part of the gamesmanship centers around handling the media day and all of the idle time. LSU CB Jai Eugene spent part of media day preaching about the construction of a sandwich, and I have to say he is damn good, maybe the best preaching since Reverend Brown in "Coming to America". Yet another example of why the SEC is faster/hipper/cooler/stronger/mo' super dee duper than the Big 10.

Stu Nahan, 1926 - 2007

2008-01-05T20:11:00.000-06:00

Lost amidst all of the bowl hoopla, NFL playoffs and general holiday business, last week we lost a true American treasure. Retired sportscaster Stu Nahan passed away at age 81. Some of you may live in Boston and you grew up on Johnny Most; perhaps you grew up in Chicago and find Harry Caray to be the quintessential sports voice. Me? I grew up on Rocky, and therefore Stu Nahan's voice resonates as "big game" to me (or "big fight", as it were).

You can have your "Giants win the pennant!!" or "Go crazy, folks! Go crazy!". Me, I will take "What started out as a joke has turned into a disaster" any day of the week (from Creed-Drago at the MGM in Rocky IV, by the way). He called all of the big fights that mattered to me growing up -- Creed-Balboa I, Creed-Balboa II, Balboa-Lang I, Balboa-Lang II, Creed-Drago. (I'm still bitter USA Network didn't send him to Russia for Balboa-Drago, but that may have been Stu's decision.) His calls of the fights are as synonymous with the Rocky movies as Mickey's inspirational screaming, Paulie's butchering of the English language, or the audience's desire for snipers to take out Adrienne.

Nahan lost his battle with lymphoma on December 26, 2007. His survivors include his widow, Sandy; children Kathy, Mark and Kevin from a previous marriage; five grandchildren and seven great-grandchildren.

In lieu of a ten bell salute, I leave you with video of Stu's finest performance outside of the Rocky saga. The riveting Spicoli interview from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Rest in peace, Stu Nahan. Hopefully, St. Peter gave you as kick ass of a jacket as the network did in this interview ...

"Blondestar in an emergency, this is Sean ... "

2008-01-05T19:43:00.000-06:00

Just when we thought that most blonde jokes were played out, we now have blonde jokes in video format to make fun of our aesthetically pleasing, dim witted, golden haired friends ...

C'mon .. it IS Todd Collins, ya know

2008-01-05T19:18:00.000-06:00

That SMACK you hear is the collective slapping of the forehead of people who took the Redskins +3 today against the Seahawks, and the thought going through their collective heads is "Sweet Jesus, what the hell was I thinking betting on TODD FREAKING COLLINS?!?! On the ROAD?!? IN SEATTLE?!?!" For a while it looked like the 36-year old career backup might engineer yet another improbable Redskins victory. But in the end, after going up 14-13, Collins apparently decided to have some of whatever Matt Hasselbeck was drinking for the first 52 minutes of the game and he turned back into Todd Collins, Career Scrub. Kudos to the 'Skins for even making the playoffs after the death of Sean Taylor and the season-ending injury to Jason Campbell (although I can't imagine Campbell playing better than Collins did during the month of December).

I would like to thank Collins for spoon feeding the Seahawks two meaningless touchdowns on INT returns. The 35-14 Seahawk win now looks a lot easier on paper than it actually was and just might keep the spread in Green Bay under 7 next weekend. And if that is the case, I will be donating blood, plasma, and any other donate-able bodily fluids this week in order to be in the strongest possible cash position to pound said Packers -7 (or whatever the spread is). Fact is Hasselbeck looked like a basket case for 52 minutes of that game; I don't think the doctor prescribes trips to Green Bay to cure whatever afflicts Hasselbeck.

Stone Cold Bloggin', 1/5/08

2008-01-05T16:20:00.000-06:00

First, I want to thank the crew from the Hugging Harold Reynolds blog for organizing and including the Sports Kolache in the NFL Playoffs Fantasy Football contest, where twenty blogs and highly acclaimed blog dwellers will battle for the most illustrious piece of hardware in our business .... seen below ....
For what it's worth, my favorite blog name amongst the competitors? The Lazy Eye of Stuart Scott. If you're looking to start a blog and come up with a catchy name, there's your benchmark.

As Todd Collins runs for his life in Seattle, here are a few time wasters of the link and video variety to get you through this January weekend ...

LINKS

Wizard of Odds contends something that I've espoused all season -- the SEC is good but not the monster everyone thinks it is. [Wizard of Odds]
A list of Pat Summerall's announcing screw-ups from Tuesday's Cotton Bowl. Get comfy. [Kansas City Star]
A most excellent divorce story that yields this shocker -- South Florida football players cheat! No way! Nick Saban must feel vindicated. [Every Day Should Be Saturday]
And while we're talking about South Florida, here's a link to some pics of a USF cheerleader's Myspace exploits. Gotta love Myspace. [Busted Coverage]
I liked the Kyle Korver trade for the Utah Jazz. I think he's just the type of spot up shooter they need to open things up for Boozer inside. There's a Sixers fan (presumably) who's not as psyched about the deal. HILARIOUS VIDEO ALERT. [Awful Announcing]
A very helpful flow chart if you are deciding whether or not to eat bacon. [Beer or Kid]
An Erin Andrews tribute that makes mine look like child's play. [Barstool Sports]
Worst hairstyles in movies (although I think they were a little hard on the Padme-Leia mother-daughter combo). [Yahoo]
Speaking of the Skywalker family, if any of you know where I can buy one of these Vader heads, let me know ... because, you know, the Force is strong in my family and shit. [Imperial Holocron]
Top 25 Sexiest Athletes of 2007. HOT CHICK ALERT. Although no Sue Bird on the list does detract from their credibility. [Coed Magazine]

VIDEOS

Thanks to the good folks at the My Meat on Your Grill tailgater at Texans games, I'd like to think that Harris and I are out in front of this "Beer Pong is the sport of the new millenium" trend. Here is a video about the World Series of Beer Pong ...

Next, I'm sure that most of you have seen this bone-jarring, teeth-dislodging hit on the Titans' Chris Henry by Darrell Reid of the Colts ....

I'm hoping that maybe this video of rugby hits (NOTE: NO PADS) will make Chris Henry and his family feel a little bit better ....

If they ever decide to do a Sesame Street movie with actual people playing the part of Muppets, this video should sew up the campaign for Pesci and DeNiro as Ernie and Bert, respectively ....

Staying with the mob theme, and in honor of Robert Loggia's 78th birthday this week, here is a recap of the Paulie vs Feech Lawn Wars from 2004 on the Sopranos ....

Tuna Era Begins in Miami

2008-01-03T23:06:00.000-06:00

The Bill Parcells Era is underway in Miami, and the Tuna has begun the necessary deconstruction that will proceed the reconstruction of this once proud franchise (and frankly, if anyone has caught Mercury Morris' act in the last few months, you might argue too proud franchise). Like any good builder, Tuna is going to be required to tear down the entire infrastructure of this 1-15 crack house before building the 10 bedroom palatial estate. Therefore, exit Randy Mueller as GM and exit Cam Cameron as head coach.

Cam Cameron's ouster makes his act at last year's Dolphin draft party all the more laughable. Remember his unveiling of the Ted Ginn, Jr. selection?

If I may transcribe (my comments in italics):

CAM: "Good afternoon everybody! Hey, we gotta get that thumb to go this direction ... [gives thumbs up sign to fans presumably giving the thumbs down sign]"

(Uh Cam, those aren't thumbs they're raising at you .... )

"Let me tell you about the young man we just drafted .... he's a young man named Ted Ginn, Jr., and we drafted the Ginn family. I've known this family for over ten years. I've watched this young man for a long time."

("We drafted the Ginn family" has got to be one of the most underrated idiotic quotes of all time. You drafted the Ginn family? Really Cam? So what is Ginn, Sr's 40 time? Can Ted Ginn's aunt bring the heat off the edge? How well does his 9 year old cousin run between the tackles? I've been a Steeler fan my whole life and I can honestly say that I don't even care if the guys the Steelers draft even have families. Yeesh, it took this long to fire this guy? He should've been capped on draft day!)

"You're gonna be thrilled every time you watch him as a punt returner, because he's gonna be a great returner for us."

(Yep, they spent the 9th overall pick on a return specialist. To Ginn's credit, he was 29th in kickoff return average and 6th in punt return average. YAY!!!!)

"Ted Ginn and his family will give us everything they have, I promise you that...."

(At this point it was getting tough to transcribe amidst the chants of "BRADY! BRADY! BRADY!" but I think Cameron was once again selling us on Ginn's family, perhaps even mentioning Ted's grandmother's lasagna and having movie night over at Ted's house.)

"I would say this, we're gonna put together a draft class....that's gonna make you proud."

(John Beck ... Lorenzo Booker ... and a couple guys from Hawaii ... awesome.)

So the Cameron Era is over. We raise our glasses to the near perfection of 1-15 and turn our attention to the future. Who will the Tuna select to fill Cameron's microscopic shoes? Well, I'll leave this one to the no-nonsense reporting of Kige Ramsey/Youtube Sports ....

Yeah, yeah I know Kige said "Tony Soprano". Many of the comments below his video indicate he meant "Tony Sparano" of the Cowboys. I beg to differ. I think he did mean Tony Soprano, and that when he said "Maurice Carthon" he meant to say "Michael Corleone". Kige is a visionary who likely sees some value in having fictitious mobsters run the Dolphins. Let's face it, it can't be any worse than Cam Cameron.

Stone Cold Bloggin', X-mas Style 12/24/07

2007-12-24T00:15:00.001-06:00

SEASON'S GREETINGS! (Or as Michael Scott might say, SKI-SON'S GREETINGS .... sorry I couldn't find a picture of the card Michael made when he photoshopped his face onto his girlfriend's ex-husband's face in a ski trip picture with her family.)

HO!

HO!

HO!

PIMP!

PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY!!!

All right, I'll be back in full swing doing some posts in a couple days, but in the meantime here are some videos and links to keep you busy.

VIDS!

Staying with the theme of Michael Scott, here is an outstanding Michael Scott Tribute video done to Five for Fighting's "Superman" ....

I'm not a huge fan of hip hop. I dabble a little bit, but for the most part rap music gives me quite the inferiority complex, seeing as I don't have a pimped out ride, a pimped out crib, 1000 ho's on speed dial, or even a posse. But finally there is a rap for us, the Everyday Normal Guy. FINALLY, SOMEBODY SAID WHAT NEEDED TO BE SAID!!!

Check this one out. Apparently, an Arkansas TV station had a guest on their show who was trying to help make Bobby Petrino look like less of a scumbag by telling a story about how Coach Carpetbag visited his son in the hospital after his son was mauled by a dog. Be patient and wait for the runaway winner for Insensitive Comment of the Year by whoever the anchorman buffoon is.

LINKS!

Grading coaches on a Saban Scale. I like it. [CNNSI.com]
I'm a sucker for anything that highlights the stereotypes of old school wrestling gimmicks. One nitpick - they left out the token "Samoan with head so hard that head butts have no effect on them", for which I'd have chosen Afa. Wild Samoan #1. [Food Court Lunch]
Woman arrested for flashing the jumbotorn at Grizzlies game. And I thought Kisscam couldn't be topped. [Awful Announcing]
Want to know what your "one word Brazilian name" would be? Click here. [Minimals World]
Floyd Mayweather kisses and makes up with the Oompa Loompas. [TMZ]
There is a blog whose name is attributed to Festivus. Needless to say, it is now stored on my netvibes. [Airing of the Grievances]
Anyone looking for fuel to the fire that the SEC may be a tad overrated. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin' [Wizard of Odds]
NFL draft preview season is now upon us, where every Mel, Todd, and Petey will crank out their mock drafts, updated by the minute or whenever one of the top 300 prospects breaks wind, whichever happens first. Here's one man's opinion of the top 32. [CBS Sportsline]

Merry Christmas to all and to those of you in Canada a very happy Boxing Day!

BOWL SEASON IS HERE!

2007-12-20T12:24:00.001-06:00

Bowl season is upon us! And you know what that means! ERIN ANDREWS FRONTAL!!!

ERIN ANDREWS BACKAL!!!

ERIN ANDREWS SIDE-AL!!!

Did we mention Erin Andrews, BACKAL?

ERIN ANDREWS GETTING UP ON A HOAGIE!!!

And just double checking, we did mention FRONTAL, right?

....and Backal?

SO HOLD ON TIGHT!!!!

...and get your GAME FACE ON!!!

Because it's gonna be a fun ride!!!

SEE YA NEXT TIME!!!

I'd Hate To Be the Cop Who Had to Arrest Oak

2007-12-19T12:52:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was Charles Oakley's birthday. It was also Stone Cold Steve Austin's birthday, so on our show the talk turned briefly into "Who would win between Oakley and Stone Cold?" After taking about 2.5 seconds to determine Oakley would squash Stone Cold with two punches, the talk turned to "Is there anyone out there who could take down Oak?" About fifteen minutes of debate turned up only one name, and that was General Zod who is a fictitious character.

Where am I going with all of this? Well, Oak was popped for DUI yesterday, perhaps celebrating his birthday a little too hard. The picture to the left is his mug shot. That is not the look of a man who is fearing legal bills and possible time behind bars. Not at all. In fact, this looks like a man who can't wait to relive the Sean Penn "sodas in pillow case" ambush in "Bad Boys" when he gets to his cell. The only difference is that instead of throttling two dimestore thugs, Oakley will throttle about fifty mass murderers and drug dealers, and instead of using a soda-filled pillow case he will be using his fists. I think the threat of Oak in prison dealing out his brand of justice is just what we need to reduce the crime rate. But maybe that's just me ....

HO-EY 101

2007-12-19T09:14:00.001-06:00

Those of you who had the -2000 moneyline on "One of the Spears girls will test positive for pregnancy in 2007" can cash your tickets in. You were bailed out yesterday and it came from an unlikely source -- Britney's little sis Jamie Lynn. (Of course, "unlikely" is a relative term when it comes to the Spears girls. Whereas Britney seemed like a mortal lock to conceive a child on a table in a Starbucks while slurping on a frappucino in 2007, I'd say the odds on Jamie Lynn getting knocked up in 2007 were a little bit longer -- like somewhere around "Lindsay Lohan goes to rehab".)

At any rate, a lot of us saw Jamie Lynn as the next great hope to take over the mantle of "World's #1" that her sister inexplicably decided to vacate in the last few years amidst a sea of cigarette butts, cellulite, and bad music. And now those hopes and dreams are dashed.

The only thing left to watch now is to see if Jamie Lynn can outskank Britney, and I have to say that getting pregnant before she can vote is about as solid a first move as JL could have. Of course, she needs to realize that she's going up against the Master and that she'll need to bring her A-game. This is a good start. Britney started cranking out inadvertent offspring in her early 20's; Jamie Lynn is basically saying "Yeah, well watch this!" and cranking one out in her teens - and outside of wedlock, no less!! Well played!!

My plea to Jamie Lynn -- don't stop there. If you're NOT going to take the Next Hot Pop Star baton, then please, please, PLEASE strive to out-trainwreck your sister. Britney had two pregnancy mistakes with K-Fed; you go have five -- with five DIFFERENT guys. Britney guzzles whipped cream and frozen coffee by the quart; you go guzzle it by the gallon -- and chase it with a double-double animal-style. Britney runs over the foot of a paparazzi in her Mercedes; you go rent a Hummer and mow them down like a John Deere tractor in a wheat field.

Basically, I'm asking you to become the Pedro Martinez to Britney's Ramon. We all remember Ramon Martinez, Dodger phenom who won 20 games in 1990 and went on to become a solid to sometimes spectacular starting pitcher throughout the early 90's. Then in 1994 along came his brother Pedro, who decided to take his brother's game and amp it up about 1,000-fold. Three Cy Young's and 200+ wins later, we all know how that turned out.

So Jamie Lynn, it's all right there for you. You are Pedro. Zoey is dead. It's Ho-ey time! Make it happen.

BONUS VIDEO

"My sister is a handful. We are soooo different." Uh, not really.

Waiting Patiently for the Mug Shot

2007-12-18T19:39:00.000-06:00

The woman to the left is Alycia Lane. She is best known for the following four things:

(1) She is an award winning newscaster in Philadelphia.

(2) She was once married to minor league baseball player Dino Calandriello, and actually discussed their failing marriage with him on the Dr. Phil Show. (Wow, people actually do that? Those aren't actors?)

(3) She struck up a friendship with NFL Network host Rich Eisen by peppering him with bikini-clad pictures of herself.

(4) A few days ago, she took exception to a slow moving, unmarked police car in front of the taxi she was riding in, so she did what any of us would do -- she got out and belted the female police officer driving the car across the face and called her a "dyke".

I post this story for three reasons:

(1) If any of you find her mug shot on line, I demand that you email it to me.

(2) If things don't work out in Philly on the heels of the cop-punching, I would like to extend an invitation to Alycia to ply her trade here in Houston. All of our female news anchors here in town are soft, likable, "family woman" types. We could use a monster heel to come in and crack some skulls. "GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY!! ALYCIA LANE JUST HIT DOMINIQUE SACHSE WITH THAT STEEL CHAIR!!!"

(3) When I got into broadcasting, I wrote down a list of goals. "Receiving unsolicited bikini-clad photos from local news anchor" was not on that list. Until today.

Tiger Will Bludgeon You With His Little Finger

2007-12-18T19:20:00.000-06:00

In light of the Mitchell Report, I don't know what to think about this photo. It's as if Tiger has become a cyborg and the devious scientist who created him decided to screw David Boston's arms to Tiger's torso. Given the following, however, I'm pretty sure Tiger is clean:

(1) He's about ten majors ahead of anybody who would be considered a remote threat to his reign over all things golf. He could smoke two packs a day and eat chili cheese fries every meal and still break the Golden Bear's record for majors by 2010.

(2) His head appears to still be the same size as it was when he was the skinny kid in the red shirt in 1997. Call this the Barry Test.

Really, the question is this: What would happen if Tiger and Tim Tebow decided to throw hands?

I'm convinced it would be like the last 45 minutes of Transformers where the entire city got torn to shreds by the giant robots fighting each other, and it was really hard to figure out who won.

In the end, there would be no winners. And in fact the real losers would be everyone living in the path of Tiger v Tebow.

Sickest Move Ever

2007-12-18T10:49:00.000-06:00

Ok, this is the sickest hockey move I've ever seen ....

The best part of this video? The kid is from Texas! I thought that Darwinism had made it genetically impossible for kids born in Texas to do anything revolving around sports that take place in less than 90 degree heat. Apparently, I was wrong.

Last night at the Ragin Cajun, I was involved in a spirited discussion with Raheel Ramzanali and former Houston Oiler Gregg Bingham where Bingham said the Civil War (and any war, for that matter) was about quality of life -- as opposed to, say, slavery. I think this theory will soon be put to the test when the Great White North decides to reprise the Civil War so they can take back hockey. I mean the South has stolen the Minnesota North Stars and the Hartford Whalers ... and now the signature 9 year old hockey highlight has been provided by a kid who probably has posters of Tony Romo and Dirk Nowitski on his wall. YEEEEEE-HAAAAAHHH!!!!

BATTLE GAME - Vin Diesel v. Alfonso Ribeiro

2007-12-16T00:54:00.001-06:00

In an earlier post, I went with a "Before They Were Stars" theme for a few of the video links. Well, those videos got me so nostalgic, I started thinking back to the dawn of the Breakdancing Era -- where nylon warm-up suits became high fashion, guys who could contort their bodies in noodle-like shapes became icons, and the turntable miraculously extended its own usefulness by another ten years by becoming, of all things, an instrument. Make no mistake, breakdancing was quite the rage, even if I did live in a predominantly white suburb where there were only two kids in the whole school who could moonwalk without tearing a hamstring. In fact, I think we had three kids die trying to do the Centipede at the Homecoming Dance my sophomore year, but I digress.

Indeed, our thirst for all things breakdancing was insatiable back in the 80's, not unlike our thirst for a young Justine Bateman or even a 20-something Lisa Whelchel. And it was the "You Can Breakdance, Too, Whitey!!" commercials that gave us suburban folk hope -- hope that we could overcome our honkiness and our God-given physical rigidity to learn how to breakdance merely by watching a VHS tape or reading a book. Before Tom Emanski and Fred McGriff were teaching every Chip, Neil, and Vinny how to field ground balls by popping in a video tape, Mark Vincent (who would go on to become Vin Diesel!) and Alfonso Ribeiro (who would go on to become Carlton on "Fresh Prince"!) took a generation of suburban whiteys under their wings and tried to teach us how to break and pop without maiming ourselves. The results were mixed at best, but thanks to Youtube the legendary commercials live on.

So which 80's breakdancing commercial do you favor? A young Mark Vincent, a/k/a Vin Diesel?

Or "Breakin' and Poppin'" with Alfonso Riberio, a/k/a Carlton from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"?

Now, if I'm not mistaken, these videos came out before white people were actually allowed to breakdance. Many of you will forget that until the late 1980's, much like baseball segregation earlier in the 1900's, white people were banished to dancing events of our own. Instead of breakdancing with our African American friends, we white folk were forced to gather in our friends' basements and jump up and down to Journey or AC-DC while biting our lower lips and drinking keg beer. However, let's pretend that in 1985 we were all equals and allowed to breakdance publicly. Which breakin' commercial makes you want to become Luke Moonwalker? Diesel or Ribeiro?

Let's assess this one, point by point:

ATTIRE: Diesel is styling and ready to go rip up some pavement. He goes with the blue warm-up and stylish headband, a breakdancing staple back in the 80's. Alfonso goes with the Michael Jackson "Beat It" red leather jacket, a cross-dressing staple back in the 80's. EDGE: DIESEL.

TANGIBLE PROOF OF SKILLS: When you invest $19.99 (or "less than $20!" according to mathematician Ribeiro) in your breakdancing educational materials, you'd like to be inspired by the pitchman and know that he can actually execute some of the maneuvers he touts as being central to the learning process. Diesel is very clearly performing some of the difficult ground moves as well as the upright, hand gesture thingy moves; you can actually see his face and know it's him. Conversely, it is very difficult to discern on Ribeiro's video if that is actually him breakdancing or if it's a stunt double. The dude doing the windmill is like 6'-4", so it's quite possible it's the same stunt double that performed the football scenes for a young Forrest Whitaker in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High". I'd like to think it was Ribeiro, but knowing how white he became as Carlton in the 1990's, my doubt is justified. EDGE: DIESEL.

BACKGROUND MUSIC: Diesel goes with a standard Curtis Blow joint, complete with numerous references to "Sucka MC's". I always wanted to be a Sucka MC, but sadly I'll never get that chance. Blow even slipped a "Sheila E" reference in there, which was nice. Ribeiro has generic beats going in the background of the commercial, but the promise of the 2-album superset RAP ATTACK is a genius tease that leaves us wanting more. EDGE: RIBEIRO.

PRESENTATION: This is clearly where Ribeiro excels, as his zippy graphics depicting the words "moonwalk" and "centipede" make me not only want to breakdance like it's 1985, but they make me want to sell my car and use these maneuvers for getting around town. Diesel's graphics make me feel like I'm watching an interruption by the Emergency Broadcast System. Also, the homoerotic overtones of Diesel's partner doing the worm through Diesel's legs are disturbing, to say the least. EDGE: RIBEIRO.

EXTRAS: Ribeiro, ever the marketing genius, effectively trounces Diesel in sheer quantity of superfluous material. While Diesel's commercial looks solid enough, how can he really expect to compete with a the sizzle of a Breakin' Board, an instructional poster, and a detailed book? The RAP ATTACK double album is effectively Ribeiro running up the score with garbage touchdowns. However, MAJOR negative points to Ribeiro for catering to parents by saying that his system is the "safe way to break and pop, not the things you shouldn't try". Fuck you and your gay Michael Jackson jacket, Alfonso!! I WANT to do the dangerous shit!!! Teach me the dangerous shit, DAMMIT!!! NOW!!!! EDGE: EVEN.

SUMMARY: Ribeiro's overall package looks like it is better equipped to teach me to break and pop, but knowing what I know now, I'm so afraid Vin Diesel would kick my ass, I'd probably buy his stuff just to stay out of the hospital.

VERDICT: BREAKDANCING SUCKS

Stone Cold Bloggin', 12/14/07

2007-12-15T22:54:00.000-06:00

It sounds like Andy Pettitte has come clean about his use of Human Growth Hormone saying that he used it twice in 2002 to speed up his recovery from an elbow injury. I'm not entirely surprised at Pettitte's admission. By all accounts, he's a decent guy and probably sensitive to whatever criticism was continuing to fester until he answered the allegations in the Mitchell Report. Good for him for admitting it, apologizing to those who feel like they needed an apology, and moving on.

How this effects his legacy remains to be seen. I think the public will be forgiving, especially when you juxtapose Pettitte's accountability next to others' silence or denials (more on that in a minute). As for the Hall of Fame, Pettitte was a borderline case even before all of this came up. His stats and accomplishments are very similar to Curt Schilling's, and Pettitte probably will end up pitching a few more years than Schilling (and presumably pile up more wins). (That's not to say that Schilling is a definite Hall of Famer, but I think people debate about Schilling's inclusion more than they do Pettitte and my point is that if you think Schilling is a Hall of Famer, then Pettitte is right there, too.)

The juicier subplot in Pettitte's admission is what this does to his BFF, Roger Clemens. Clemens' denial is pretty steadfast in that it appears he is saying that the Mitchell Report is bunk and that he hasn't taken steroids or any performance enhancing drugs at all. EVER. It also paints Brian McNamee as sort of a government rat, trying to avoid federal prosecution by throwing Clemens under the bus. Now Pettitte is essentially validating the couple of pages in the Mitchell Report that pertained to him, and along with it he is validating McNamee, at least as pertains to his dealings with him. So are we to believe that McNamee was telling the truth about his dealings with Pettitte, but was completely fabricating everything about Clemens? That's a hard one to swallow. I'm not indicting Roger yet, but one more big brick in the wall fell out today.

Also, I found David Justice's appearence on the Colin Cowherd show on Friday quite hilarious. If you didn't hear it, Justice spent the entire appearance trying to refute the allegations in the Mitchell Report, which consisted of Kirk Radomski selling him HGH after the 2000 World Series, and Justice discussing HGH with Brian McNamee during his time with the Yankees. Part of Justice's self-defense consisted of basically trash talking himself, citing his shitty performance in 2001 (.246, 18 HR, 51 RBI in 111 games) as proof that there's no way he could've been on any performance-enhancing drugs. I just found it very humorous that for years some players have campaigned for their inclusion in the Baseball Hall of Fame by citing their superior stats, and now in 2007 we have players citing their dog shit stats to try and gain figurative exclusion from the Mitchell Report. Strange days, indeed.

Ok, now onto some time wasters for all of you ....

LINKS (I won't sleep until one of you gets fired)

Anna Rawson, Aussie model and golfer, just qualified for the LPGA! Women's golf just became more watchable. [Golf Now]
A study at BYU (!) indicates that young women are more accepting of porn. (And in a related story, applications for admission at BYU quadruple.) [Salt Lake City Tribune]
An interesting angle on Kevin Young's steroid use. (Damn, whatever happened to that guy?) [Where is Andy Van Slyke]
ADDICTIVE GAME ALERT - If you get fired for playing this nine hours a day at work, don;t blame me. I warned you. [The Map Game]
The 33 best Beer Pong tables ever created. Totally sweet. [Pongalong]
Jerry Jones interhects himself into the Arkansas coaching search. (Satire alert) [College Game Balls]
The 9 Most Humiliating Sports Moments on video. [Holy Taco]

VIDEO (as if the drunk chick post below wasn't enough)

BEFORE THEY WERE STARS EDITION!!!

DICK VITALE
Check out Dick Vitale back in 1986! I believe the thick windows attached to his head are his glasses. It's strange seeing him so calm and measured in his analysis. If you've ever wondered what 2007 Dickie V would be like if were sedated in a dentist's chair, go ahead and play this video. (Youtube disabled embedding this video into my blog so click here to view it.)

SIMON COWELL
Before he became the resident curmudgeon on "American Idol", Simon Cowell was a contestant on the UK version of "Sale of the Century". I have to admit, dude is pretty smooth and in control even back then. (They've disabled embedding on this video, too -- what are you people afraid of?? -- anyway, click here to watch it.)

TIGER WOODS
A two year old Tiger Woods shows up on the Mike Douglas Show and whacks one 300 yards down the middle (or however far back the stage went). This clip is only 36 seconds long so it leaves out the part where he makes out with a two year old Elin Nordegren afterwards.

MATT LEBLANC
This is supposedly a Heinz ketchup commercial that LeBlanc did before he became Joey on "Friends", but this is so stupid I think it may have actually been an episode of "Friends".

Now get back to work!!